


The Descent

by GiveUpResistance



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-27
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-27 18:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/982235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiveUpResistance/pseuds/GiveUpResistance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He brought a splash of colour, of life, to him when he sat down next to him with a graphite smudged face when he was fifteen, and after seven years of being his friend, Alec loves him still, falling harder and harder with each passing moment, with every word and look, every fight and every apology, a steepening descent. Malec AU set over seven long years of falling</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Circle: Limbo

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter of The Descent. I hope that you all enjoy reading it as much as I did writing. It is inspired by various things, and part of it (chapter titles, themes) runs along the theme of Dante's Inferno.
> 
> It is rated M for mature content. It has also been labeled as Angst for a reason. Obviously, things happen. At the beginning of each chapter, I'll post any warnings specific to that chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own TMI or Alec or Magnus or anything. If I did, I'm pretty sure we know what wouldn't have happened in CoLS.

**First Circle: Limbo**

_Perhaps it all began too soon._

* * *

Alec Lightwood doesn't like the number  _or_  the age fifteen, not at first. He likes fourteen slightly more, and thirteen a lot more than both. It's a better number.

Although, he thinks, his parents probably hated his thirteen year old self. It's supposed to be the worst year, the start of puberty, right? Though compared to Izzy (who's just reached that age) he was probably an angel.

So yeah. Fifteen's definitely worse than thirteen.

And people… People are boring.

So he has school, and he gets good grades, and is praised by his parents, and he helps Izzy out with her homework. All as usual. All the same.

* * *

Alec gets to school as usual, the sidewalks covered in brown leaves as usual, sits in homeroom reading a book for fifteen minutes while his classmates chatter around him.

His teacher gets there a few seconds after the bell sounds, which is surprising. She's usually on time or early, and she looks a bit flustered.

"Er, right, sorry I'm late, everyone, I'll just take the roll…"

Alec partially zones out as she does so, watching the stragglers to class run across the pavement outside.

His concentration - and the teacher - is interrupted by the door opening noisily.

You would think that it would be beneficial for students' concentration for doors to  _not_  be so creaky.

"I'm sorry I'm late, the classroom numbers were confusing." The voice isn't one Alec recognises, which wouldn't be particularly surprising if he hadn't spent the last year and a bit with this homeroom. And if he hasn't worked out the classroom layout yet-

"Ah, you're the new student! Right! Come out to the front, so you can introduce yourself, I don't bite- students, that is."

The husky laugh that replies to his teacher's statement has him turning to watch the new kid walk up the side of the room despite his usual disinterest.

He's tall, probably taller than Alec - and Alec's taller than most people his age, thanks to an earlier growth spurt than most boys - and even thinner than him, too.

But while Alec knows that he probably would have, well, scuttled up towards the teacher's desk, uncomfortable with the curious gazes on him, the newcomer practically  _struts_  past everyone, a smile casually flashed as he scans the room briefly.

His turn to face the class is confident, as if he's a model, or was in a past life.

"My name's Magnus Bane, and I'm very obviously new here. I would say that it's nice to meet you," Alec's breath catches as he almost openly declares social war on the room- "but I haven't actually talked to any of you yet, so it's nice to see your lovely faces." The grin he displays is charming enough that the room breaks out into chuckles, while the teacher looks a little bemused and waves him to the only spare seat in the room.

Right next to Alec.

He pretends not to follow Magnus down the aisle of seats with his eyes, doesn't watch him as he slides gracefully into his seat and let his satchel fall to the floor.

Actually looks away for a few seconds until his arm is poked none too gently.

Magnus' eyes are on him, a twinkle dancing merrily in the odd combination of green and gold. "Can I borrow a pencil?"

Alec retrieves one wordlessly from his pencil case and hands it over.

"Thank you," he looks down at the end, where Alec has scraped off the paint and written his name. "Alexander Lightwood."

Alec finds out for this first time how  _blinding_  the smiles of Magnus Bane can be when used at full power, and can't help but smile a little in return.

Magnus pulls a ripped piece of paper from his bag before returning his gaze to the front of the room, allowing Alec a little time to take in a full account of Magnus' appearance and then give his attention to their teacher, letting his mind catalogue everything.

His skin is a caramel colour, and with the midnight black hair - which almost brushes his shoulders - and distinct facial features, marks him as at least being of Asiatic descent. But there is something that makes him think European.

The classroom erupts into noise again as their teachers stops speaking, and Alec looks guiltily towards her, ashamed of paying attention to someone else, but they never find out important things here anyway.

Sneaking a glance at Magnus, he sees that his pencil has been secured between long fingers and is rapidly sketching out the twisted hair on the head of the girl in front. Alec's gaze is caught as the image comes out of the paper.

Magnus must feel his gaze as he stops and meets Alec's eyes.

"Sorry, it was just cool watching you draw-"

"It's fine, Alexander-"

"Alec."

"Alec." Magnus seems to test the name, and smiles. "Drawing is my thing. Thanks for lending me the pencil, I was in such a rush that I left half of my things at home."

"It's fine."

Magnus grins again. "The office lady didn't think so. She didn't believe I was who I said I was, god knows why, so she was reluctant to give me my timetable. If I wasn't who I said I was, why would I want my timetable?" He pauses for breath and Alec chuckles softly. "It's not like it's hard to find out people's timetables anyways, so if I wanted to stalk somebody it would be easy. Speaking of, when do you have lunch, you're the only person I've talked to in this whole damned place and it's halfway through a week halfway through a term."

Alec, though bemused by whatever Magnus is talking about now, takes a paper copy of his timetable from his pencil case and hands it over.

Magnus fishes around in his satchel for a few seconds before making a noise of triumph and holds up a rumpled piece of paper.

He scans them both for a few seconds before smiling at Alec again. "This is great- not only will I be annoying you during lunch, but we have biology together!"

"And…"

"I'm terrible at Bio! Please tell me you aren't working with anyone, because I need so much help it's not funny."

Alec raises an eyebrow. "For all you know, I could be crap at Bio and then we'd both be in the toilet."

Magnus waves a dismissive hand. "Oh please, you're doing Chem and Pre-Calculus. You can handle Bio. And if you're not, I'll make you do a whole lot of work so that you can teach me."

Alec shakes his head. "I'm okay at it, and if you're sure you want to work with me, then that's okay."

"Great! We have world history, too, but I'm okay at that."

Magnus must catch hold of the look in Alec's eyes. "I'm sorry about being all demanding and talkative and annoying, but that's how I am and I don't think there's no point starting a friendship if you're going to pretend otherwise." He looks slightly worried for the first time.

"It's fine. You're nowhere near as annoying as my cousin. He talks all of the time, all about himself."

Magnus laughs loudly and hands him back his timetable. "Well, now you'll know two people who do so." The bell rings and they stand up with the rest of the class. "I'll see you in later in Bio, okay?"

"Sure."

One last grin and Magnus is just a graceful form, moving across the room and out the door.

* * *

By the time lunch comes around, Magnus has already gathered a horde of acquaintances who call out to him from across the cafeteria.

But he sits with Alec, and jokes with him, and Alec learns that Magnus has lived the last six years in Indonesia, caring for his maternal grandparents, the ten years before that in America. Magnus somehow manages to coax more information out of Alec than he has told most people his whole life.

Magnus turns up to World History breathing hard and grinning madly, graphite smudges all over his face, and Alec finds himself praying that no one sociable and popular goes out of their way to befriend the new student, because Alec knows that he can't compare.

But nobody seems to, although Magnus talks to people as popular as Camille, who's basically queen of the senior girls and therefore of the school.

And by the time only a few weeks pass they're better friends than Alec has ever been with someone, apart from Jace.

And it feels good.

They talk and play video games and sleep over at each others houses, where Magnus talks to Izzy about anything and treats Max like an adult rather than the nine years old he is. And best of all, when his almost-cousin Jace comes to live with them because his parents, Alec's father's best friend and his wife, are on some research trip, Magnus ribs him until the fourteen year old actually displays some grudging respect. Magnus always smiles widely after spending time with Alec's siblings and it makes his chest hurt when Magnus goes home.

And it pains him even more one quiet night at Magnus' house when they've finally admitted their tiredness and turn off the games and the lights and they've been lying there in the dark for a few minutes when Magnus speaks.

"Alec, I'm bisexual."

Alec can't speak for a moment as his thoughts swirl, but he can't force those words, ' _I think I'm gay'_ , out of his mouth. Finally, he settles with "Okay."

"Okay?" Magnus' voice sounds loud and offended in the darkness. "I tell you something important like that and all you have to say is 'okay'?"

Alec rolls his eyes at Magnus' histrionics before he realises that his friends can't see him. "Magnus, you and Izzy were arguing about young Leonardo di Caprio vs more recent Leo yesterday."

An hand loomed out of the darkness and slapped him in the arm.

"So? I could have a healthy appreciation of the male physique."

Alec snorts. "And I'm Angelina Jolie."

"Please, Angelina Jolie is so not hot."

"Whatever." Alec yawns. "It's four am, can I go to sleep now?"

Magnus sighs softly, but Alec's brain is so busy shutting down that he barely hears.

"You're a cruel man, Alec Lightwood…"

* * *

Later he loves the year he was fifteen. And then he hates it again. And praises and curses it alternately the years that follow.

* * *

Somehow they don't grow apart, as Alec sees so many other people doing over the next two years of high school.

Although Magnus spends more and more time on his appearance, and Alec never sees him with smudges of graphite, charcoal or paint on him anymore unless he turns up at Magnus' house without telling him first.

He and Izzy have a wonderful time making each other over and gossiping about fashion and Jace, who lives with them still, attempts to tease him about being 'too gay to function' but Magnus just winks and smiles broadly. (When Jace had seen Mean Girls was a mystery.)

And he dates and Alec doesn't.

* * *

Alec rakes a hand through his hair - longer and shaggier than it was seven years ago - and turns away from the painting in front of him, shaking his head in an attempt to detach the darkness that's leaked in.

It doesn't work.

* * *

_Maybe it all ended too late._


	2. Second Circle: Lust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter of The Descent. I hope you all enjoy it :)
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own TMI or Alec or Magnus or anything, they belong to CC. I only own Kate and Dia (they're my sweeties)
> 
> Warnings: Sexual themes and references.

**Second Circle: Lust**

They reach for each other, grasping, unable to touch the one they want, wallowing in despair-

* * *

To Alec's surprise, the first person Magnus dates is a girl. A short, blonde, surprisingly quiet cheerleader, Dia. From the second week of junior year they see each other quietly – Magnus isn't so flamboyant that he is noticed throughout the school, and she's the middle of a pyramid – but she sits with them a couple of times at lunch, and walking through the corridors he sees them standing by her locker and Magnus bends down and kisses her gently, sweetly.

And Alec can't ignore the jealousy that rises in him, seeing the tenderness of Magnus' slight touch against her cheek.

He's – rather guiltily – happy when they break up after less than a month. Magnus is just as happy as usual and won't let Alec pry into what happened.

Which hurts him more than the relationship in itself did.

At the homecoming dance he understands, as Magnus nudges him and points towards the entrance, where the cheerleader is, on the arm of a tall, dark skinned brunette. Girl. Magnus is smiling proudly and Alec can't help but sigh at the guy he's afraid of falling too hard for.

Later the blonde finds them and kisses Magnus on the cheek and introduces them to her girlfriend Kate who smiles in a way that makes Alec think she saw right through him to the flame of jealousy that sparked when the cheerleader kissed Magnus.

The brunette shakes their hands and says that it's nice to meet them  _and thank you_  and kisses her girlfriend on the top of her head when she blushes before leading her away into the crowd.

The whole exchange makes Alec feel sick, and telling himself that fact has nothing to do with his own wishes doesn't work.

Magnus is watching them walk away and Alec catches a glimpse of sadness on his face before he turns to face him, grinning like it's his birthday (which Alec knows is his favourite day of the year.)

"I'm going to dance, what about you?"

Alec shakes his head, wondering whether his answer would change if Magnus' words had been 'Let's go dance'.

"Aw, why not?"

"I'm no good at dancing."

Magnus groans. "All you have to do is move, Alec, it's  _easy_."

Alec shakes his head again. He's seen Magnus dance before, and he doesn't particularly want to repeat the experience. Not at homecoming.

"Please, I can teach you if you want."

"I'll ruin your fun, though. I know I will."

Magnus grasps his wrist tight. "You'll ruin my fun if you stay here, dumbass." He begins to pull him towards the writhing crowd. "I'll show you how to dance, okay? If you feel uncomfortable just say and I'll stop."

They reach the edge of the group as he says this and Magnus pulls him in too fast for Alec to get away.

As if anything is uncomfortable around Magnus. Except for maybe his jeans.

It's kind of squeezy, and Magnus is already moving to the fast beat of the music. Alec tries to at least sway a little but he must be terrible because Magnus grabs his hips and their bodies together.

"Sorry about this, but I'm afraid you won't do it otherwise."

Alec barely hears him, too breathless with the feeling of their bodies fitting together as Magnus slowly guides him with his hands and his hips.

He manages to relax, eventually, and lets his body flow – he hopes – as Magnus does. Magnus makes an exclamation in his ear and squeezes his side encouragingly before moving away.

Alec falters at the loss of body heat and help and  _Magnus_  before throwing himself (metaphorically, of course,) into the mass of people.

The next day, he can't exactly remember what happened after that.

* * *

The next thing Alec knows of Magnus' love life is one weekend just before Christmas break, when Magnus slides in next to him on the bench in the park near Alec's house, and without any kind of greeting or ado, says, "I'm thinking of dating Ragnor Fell."

Alec swings around to face his friend so fast that his neck practically gets whiplash. "What?"

"Well, not date, of course, because he doesn't really do that." Magnus lazily flicks a piece of hair that fell into his eyes back. "But, friends with benefits and stuff."

Alec regains control of his lower jaw and snaps it shut eventually, before trying to get his brain back into working order. "Ragnor Fell?"

"Alec, darling, I'm Magnus." In the playful grin Magnus sends him there's a hint of worry.

"Like I could mistake you." Alec sighs. "I'm sorry, I'm just a little… Surprised. I- I thought you liked people for their personalities, not-"

"Their hot bod?" Alec blushes and Magnus chuckles. "I do, and I know that Ragnor isn't exactly the most wonderful guy and all that, but I wouldn't consider him for a boyfriend. This just a thing."

"A 'thing'?"

"I'm a horny, seventeen year old who is primarily interested in boys' 'anatomy'. It's a 'thing'."

Alec knows his face is beetroot red by the time Magnus finishes talking. "I don't need to know!"

"Sorry. Would you like me to tell you how Camille flashed her breasts at-"

Alex draws his feet up onto the seat and buries his head in his knees. "I don't want to know about  _anything_."

They're quiet for a few minutes before Alec has the courage to speak again. "So why aren't you… Having a 'thing' yet?"

He glances sideways and catches Magnus biting his lip. "I want your opinion."

"Why?" He can't catch the word spilling out of his mouth and he's berating himself for the slip when Magnus answers.

"Because… you're my best friend and I trust your instincts and opinions. Plus, I don't know if he would be hanging around, but he might and you'll have to put up with him then." Magnus reaches over and ruffles his hair. "He may be hot but I'm not putting you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable."

"Thanks." Alec manages to conjure up a smile. "It'll be fine. Go get his 'sexy ass'."

Magnus pinches his arm gently in reproach before pulling out his phone and obviously types out a message before sliding it back into his jeans.

He turns to Alec, grinning like the Cheshire cat. "Demon killing time now?"

Alec smiles back, feeling slightly brighter from Magnus' enthusiasm. "Sure, we can try out the new game."

* * *

Obviously, Alec expects this relationship to be different.

But he isn't prepared to walk into school on Monday, turn into the corridor that Magnus' locker is in and find Ragnor practically grinding him against the wall.

He definitely isn't prepared to see Magnus giving as good as he gets, one of his legs already curling up and around Ragnor's thighs and his fingernails digging into the older teen's shoulders.

It's no surprise, given the display, that the corridor traffic is limited to right beside the opposite wall, but a strangely small amount of people are giving the two of them strange looks. Though some of them are staring straight ahead rather fixedly.

Alec is still trying to decide whether to interrupt them when Magnus' eyes open and look in his direction. They widen and Magnus pulls back from Ragnor as much as he can given the tight space and unwinds his leg, finally pulling the other boy's head back hard with his hair. Alec walks towards them and Ragnor looks annoyed at him for disrupting their make out session.

"Class?" Magnus looks as gorgeous as ever, even if his lips are red from another guy's kisses.

"Yeah."

With a quick grin a Ragnor, Magnus links arms with Alec and they head away, though not before Alec sees Ragnor smack Magnus' ass.

Alec blushes and Magnus elbows him. "Aren't you going to ask me how he is?"

"Magnus!"

Magnus gives that throaty chuckle of his that should be illegal. "I'm kidding. He  _is_  a good kisser, though."

"So I gathered."

They have World history together again, this year, as well as lunch and English.

Their teacher is busy trying to find the materials and so the class is talking amongst themselves.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Alec jerks in surprise and turns to Magnus. "Sorry, I must have spaced out." He pauses for a second. "Are you going to be giving that kind of display a lot? Some warning might be nice."

Magnus grins semi-ruefully. "Whenever we're horny, I'm afraid."

Alec feels a little sick. "You do realise you have to go to class, don't you? I don't think you'd want to fail."

Magnus laughs rather loudly and assents. "Maybe not  _all_  of the time then."

"Good. Because if you miss class because of him and fail, I'll kill you."

Magnus puts on a serious expression. "I swear I won't skip class with him." He holds out his fist, little finger sticking out. "Pinky swear."

They shake little fingers and turn back to the front as the teacher begins the lesson.

It's harder than he expected to put up with the two of them kissing and touching each other at school.

His jealousy burns him up inside.

* * *

Just in time for Christmas, there's a storm and the gold and red of leaves get covered by a layer of pristine white for the first time that winter.

Magnus, who lived in California before Indonesia, has never seen snow before, and falls in love. It snows for five days, stopping on Christmas Eve, and after having a long snow fight with Alec's siblings, Magnus begins a series of pencil studies of the snow.

Christmas day sees Alec the recipient of money from his parents and extended family, a game from Max, an ear piercing voucher from Izzy – god knows why – and a gym membership from Jace, who had simply used it as an excuse to buy himself one as well.

In the afternoon, Alec meets Magnus in the park to exchange presents.

Alec unwraps a blue woollen scarf in the same instant that Magnus unwraps an identical gift, only in emerald green shot through with golden coloured threads.

It turns out that Izzy convinced both of them to buy the same thing, but Alec still loves it and Magnus arranges both of them around their necks. Izzy's also been annoying with her own gift: a voucher for ear piercing, same as she got Alec.

Magnus just laughs and asks Alec to find out whether he can get something else pierced.

They say good bye, Alec loaded up with presents for his siblings. And wanting with all his heart to ask Magnus to come back with him and celebrate Christmas with him.

* * *

They go a few days later to get their ears pierced; at least, Alec gets a tiny black stud at the top of his ear, where his parents are unlikely to see it, and it turns out that Magnus  _can_  actually get his tongue pierced, which of course he does.

* * *

When school goes back, seeing Magnus with Ragnor gets even harder.

Surprisingly, Jace manages to help rather than hinder, for once, by making Alec use the membership to the gym, where running on the treadmills and lifting weights do a reasonable job at keeping his mind off of Ragnor touching Magnus in ways that Alec never could.

Touching Magnus is something Alec finds himself thinking about increasingly often as time goes by.

It's hard not to.

He's so blatantly sexual, he moves like he's trying to attract everyone who sees him, and he and Ragnor are most definitely  _not_  averse about kissing, touching, groping each other in public.

And Magnus isn't exactly shy about his body, either, and sometimes Alec thinks that he'll walk around the boy's changing rooms with only a towel on to freak out the other guys (as well as show himself off), but when they skive off the last couple of lessons one day because Magnus thinks that Alec looks unhappy and drive to a river and Magnus wants to go swimming, he has no trouble just stripping off completely there either, right in front of Alec.

Alec turns his back  _almost_  immediately as he realises how much Magnus is going to take off, and would deny it to anyone who asks – denies it to Izzy, who  **does**  ask – that he let his eyes linger on his best friend's lithe form.

When Magnus calls him into the water, he does undress, though only to his underwear, because there is no way he can actually stand naked in front of him. He follows Magnus into the water, which turns out to be absolutely freezing, a fact that Magnus hadn't mentioned when telling him to join him in swimming.

But Alec can't get close enough to punch him for it because he's so intensely aware of the fact the Magnus is fucking  _naked_  underneath the water, but he supposes that at least the fact that the water is so cold is keeping him from being too aroused. And at least the place is completely deserted, so when he can't stand the cold any longer and leaves the protection of the water, there's no one around to see and hear him yell at Magnus because the air's cold as well but if he gets dressed then his clothes will get and why the hell did he listen to him in the first place.

Magnus just laughs as he continues to swim and again as he gets out as well and Alec turns away, but Alec gets the last laugh when Magnus has trouble getting into his tight pants because the water makes them stick to his legs.

Also, it means that they're molded to every part of Magnus and therefore give him a  _very_  nice view on the way back to Magnus' car, and Alec really does have a hard time restraining himself from touching it.

* * *

Sometimes it scares him, the fact that he's not interested in anyone else. While sure, other guys are attractive, no one- no one is quite like Magnus, no one is anything like Magnus – and so even if he could stop comparing guys to him, he's not sure whether he could actually like them like that.

And besides, when it comes to sex-

When he touches himself, it's Magnus he thinks of. Even when he tries to get off to porn, Magnus always comes into his mind, takes over his thoughts, provocative and arousing, an erotic and tantalizing image, fantasy. But while fingering himself is all well and good, it's never enough, never satisfying, but there's no other way, really. He is  _not_  taking Izzy's 'advice' and buying a dildo.

In some ways his dreams are the worst, because he can't control them, can't keep his hopes from bleeding in. Can't stop himself from imagining Magnus saying, ' _I love you, Alec,_ ' and fucking him tenderly or roughly or however the hell he wants it at the time.

And when he wakes up he knows that it will never be.

* * *

Alec doesn't know how Izzy finds out how he feels. He thought he'd been okay at hiding it, but she'd confronted him one day and flat out asked him his sexuality, asked him if he and Magnus were dating yet. And then she persists with attempting to set them up, as she admitted the Christmas presents were, and all the times that she has tried to give both of them hints that  **they belong together**.

And then Jace finds out too, and they both get on his case, bugging him about Magnus and dating and Magnus and having more friends and Magnus.

And somehow the more they mention him the more Alec thinks about him, which he didn't know was possible, and he dreams of him night and day and lusts and everything he does forces him further away from the person he wants to be for Magnus.


	3. Third Circle: Gluttony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, only the plot is mine.
> 
> Warnings: Fluffity fluff fluff. And sadness.

**Third Circle: Gluttony**

They loll over the canvas, reaching for more, desire for what is killing them overpowering all other thoughts, needs-

He tears his gaze away.

He can't think about it.

Can't admit.

* * *

When they graduate high school, Alec doesn't quite realise the full implications of  _too much of a good thing._

What he does realise, however, is that he has a long holiday ahead of him before he and Magnus leave for college.

But Magnus goes back to Indonesia to visit old friends for a month just as the summer starts.

And Alec gets a taste of what addiction withdrawals feel like.

For almost three years, he's spent so much time with Magnus: at school, hanging out, talking over the Internet, over the phone.

He's become so accustomed to his presence, even with the times of forced separation by Camille in the last year, that it feels like half of him is missing.

At first, he just feels slightly empty, like there's something missing, something he's laid aside and forgotten about. Then he turns to say some remark to his friend, but Magnus isn't beside him, and he won't be able to get any messages he sends. By the end of the first week Alec is writing letter after letter of things to tell Magnus, things that have happened. He starts seeing little things in shops that remind him of Magnus, and he soon has a little collection of knick knacks and other random things in a box under his bed.

By the end of the month Alec hasn't left his room for five days except to eat, drink and visit the bathroom because he can't  _breathe_  without Magnus. The day Magnus arrives back, Alec waits at the airport and barely manages to refrain from squeezing the taller man as tight as he can in an attempt to make up for the lack of physical contact.

Magnus pulls him into a hug anyway, and Alec can finally relax.

He has him back.

When they step away Alec realises that Magnus seems even taller than before, and, mock affronted, says so. Magnus just laughs and flips off the bystanders who are looking at them disapprovingly before slinging his arm around Alec's shoulders and leading him off to the baggage collection.

While Magnus is grabbing his bright yellow bags, Alec has the time to watch him, drink in the sight. Refuel, almost. His hair's a bit longer and held up in a ponytail, and his clothes are plain for once. He brings his bags over and Alec notices that apart from a trace of blue eyeliner, his face is completely bare of make up. He doesn't no how long since he's seen him like this, naked of self improvement for anyone's sake. And he misses it.

"What's up?"

Alec realises he was staring and brushes some of Magnus' hair away from his face without thinking. "I just missed you."

He grabs one of the bags and leads the way to the exit.

"I missed you too, Alec."

On the way to Magnus' house, he tells him about how Jace has gone to a summer camp to, well,  _stalk_  the girl he has a crush on, Izzy's had to get a job in a shop to pay for her shopping and phone bill (but it's okay, because it's a fashionable boutique that she gets a 10% discount for,) and Max is metaphorically devouring a set of encyclopaedias.

When Magnus asks what he's been doing while he's been away - or who - Alec just shrugs and blushes.

He wasn't exactly going to say that he'd spent the whole time thinking about him.

They spend the day together, dropping Magnus' things at his house before going to a cafe for a welcome back lunch - which is just the two of them, because Alec told Izzy that Magnus was arriving in the afternoon and so she's working. So Alec can laugh with him, watch him as he smiles and tells stories - stories, that, half the time, go in one ear and straight out of the other because he'll get distracted by the sight of the man that he hasn't seen for so long and that he missed him like he was the other half of his soul.

But in truth, in the depths of his heart, Alec can acknowledge that to be false. Because it honestly feels like Magnus  _is_  his soul.

Magnus' parents are away on their own little holiday for the first week that he's back, so Magnus joins them for dinner at the Lightwoods, and Izzy is as 'super excited' as she'd been proclaiming, and the first thing the sixteen year old does when she sees Magnus is pull him into her room to look at all the new clothes she's bought. And Alec puts up with it, but then Max steals him away to show him all the awesome things that he's learnt and Alec feels impatient and  _Magnus is_ _ **his**_ _best friend, not theirs_  but Izzy joins him and smirks and they get into a mock fight until the other two come back.

Robert and Maryse don't exactly  _like_  Magnus, Alec knows that, mostly because of his flamboyance and sexuality, but he's Alec's friend - the only one that they've really met a lot, because it's sad but the only friends he has are Magnus and Magnus' friends like Kate and Dia - and so his parents are polite.

It's pretty late by the time they finish dinner but Magnus is still in a completely different time zone, so Alec drives him back to his house, Magnus pours him a drink and they raise a glass to home. They sit on the floor and play cards until Alec is too sleepy to make proper decisions and so Magnus turns on the tv and leans against the sofa and pulls at Alec until his head is lying on  _Magnus' thighs_ , just beside his knees, and Magnus is playing with his hair as he watches a rerun of some awful soap opera.

And then Alec tells Magnus that he missed him, that he didn't know what to do with himself while he was gone. And Magnus' voice is warm when he says that he'll always be here if Alec wants him to be.

But when Alec wakes in the morning he's not sure whether he was just dreaming when Magnus said that, because sometime during the night Magnus must have moved them, and now they're lying side by side and one of Magnus' arms is curled around him. And it feels so nice, so good - so like heaven if that weren't cliche - that he decides that he must have dreamt it, because yes, one of these things might have happened, but not  _both_.

So he lies there a short while longer before easing up and heading into the kitchen to get a drink and check the contents of the cupboards and fridge. Magnus' parents have only left a couple of days before, so there's still some reasonably fresh fruit and other groceries in the fridge, and Alec pulls out the ingredients for pancakes.

He's already cooked four of them by the time Magnus wanders into the kitchen, drawn by the smell of food, and hovers around. Alec bumps into him a few times by accident, because the smooth connection that they sometimes have isn't there anymore, or perhaps something has changed- but no, it's probably just that not practicing the habit made him feel off balance, because while he's flipping the sixth over he sees Magnus rummaging through the cupboards and he feels pleased when he points out the chocolate and Magnus grins that swift, way-too-charming grin at him.

He's still a bit disarmed, still feeling the effects of it too much to stop Magnus when he pours a new pancake into the pan and begins to grate chocolate over it. As usual.

But Alec can't really protest as he normally would, because Magnus is  _here_  and he's still fighting the urge to throw his arms around him.

Magnus is just the same as usual, eating his chocolatey pancakes with whipped cream in a way that makes Alec blush if he watches, and when they've eaten as many pancakes as they can and there's still mixture left over, Magnus makes vulgarly shaped pancakes as always and Alec can watch his antics with a smile as always and maybe perv on his butt a little while he makes his collection of penis-pancakes.

It's nice, the first few days after Magnus gets back. They just kind of hang out all day, and them spend the nights watching crap movies and the fashion shows that Magnus got his parents to tape while he was away. It's practically a week of blissful just Magnus.

But gradually they begin to meet up with people again, and there are parties, which Magnus loves, but Alec has what could be better described as a toleration for them, but he attends anyway because Magnus always looks so guilty going without him.

But all of these parties are worse than the past ones because everyone is rejoicing in the absolute freedom they currently have, and their adulthood, and Magnus dances and  _kisses_ more than usual and Alec can do nothing but watch, or try and fail to look away from his magnetic presence. Occasionally girls he doesn't know will talk to him, god knows why, but he doesn't really know how to flirt with them as they expect him to and he's completely not interested in them anyway, so the furthest he's got with anyone is, embarrassingly, kisses that were planted on him by drunks.

Guys have hit on him a couple of times, but he always freezes up, because yes, he is appreciative of their looks, and godammit he wouldn't mind kissing them, but he's afraid of everything. He's not even sure what it is that stops him anymore, except that it's Magnus, because it's always him. Kissing another guy would be betraying Magnus - by not telling him the truth of his sexuality, but also, of course, because he can't get the other man out of his head anymore.

It's bloody well not fair.

Izzy keeps asking him why he goes to the parties and Alec can only shrug and ask himself the same question, really, because he doesn't quite understand why he does it to himself, why he chooses to watch Magnus flirt and seduce every pretty boy and girl he sees.

He still doesn't understand how Izzy knows everything about him, either.

Jace comes back from his summer camp sullen and moody, which kind of makes Alec feels slightly better about himself, because not even the handsome, perfect Jace can get everything he wants.

For a little while, Alec feels somewhat caught in an eddy, as the days repeat, the same thing again and again.

Until one day his parents come home from work and announce that they decided to buy an apartment in Boston, as an investment, but it's reasonably near to Boston University, so Alec could live there, instead of in the dorm, and, well, it's pretty close to MassArt as well, so Magnus can live there too, and wouldn't that be nice?

Alec just sits there with his mouth hanging open for a minute before he can say "Wow, that's awesome, thanks," and  _get the hell out of there_.

He'd faced the fact that going to different colleges, even if they were nearby, would mean that he and Magnus would invariably see less of each other, and that they would no doubt drift apart.

And every time he thought about it his heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice.

So he doesn't think about it much, grateful that there's a chance to stop that feeling and goes back downstairs to thank his parents properly and calls Magnus as soon as he can.

Magnus is delighted, of course, and Alec's parents invite Magnus over for dinner to work everything out. They look at pictures on the real estate website and the place is really nice and Magnus is beaming and even  _hugs_  Alec's  _mother_  at one point because Maryse and Robert say that they're going to calculate the rent on how much they can actually pay at the time.

And then about half way through the conversation, Alec realises that he's going to be  _living_  with Magnus. He's going to see him everyday. They'll be eating dinner together, washing each other's clothes, watching TV together. Even more of his life will be Magnus.

But now he can't say 'Actually, I've changed my mind, I'd rather live in a tiny dorm room with an asshole whom I can't stand for an entire year than share a really nice house with Magnus. Nothing personal.'

He looks up from where he's gripping the table so tight and Magnus is beaming, because there's three bedrooms and so maybe he could turn the spare one into a painting room so that he can paint there and not stink up the whole house with bad smells. Alec can't take that joy away from him, because he keeps talking about how awesome it will be, how great it'll be to live together, like family-

And Alec can't take it anymore and his forehead falls into his hands and he groans, and Magnus is immediately at his side, asking what's wrong. He somehow gets the strength to pull his head back up and tell his best friend that it's just a headache, nothing to worry about, but Magnus pushes him up the stairs and forces him into bed and says 'Just rest, Alec, you look like you need to, I'll see you in the morning, okay?' and is gone.

Alec closes his eyes and wills himself to go to sleep.

They can sort more things out in the morning.

And it'll all be okay, sure Magnus will be near him night and day, and he'll have to be near him and his boyfriends and girlfriends, and when he was younger the only people he thought he'd be living with aside from his family and college roommates was someone he was dating so he has to get his head around that properly because he's forgotten it since he met Magnus - and shit, Magnus walks around mostly naked sometimes - but everything's going to be okay. There's no such thing as too much Magnus and everything  _is going to be okay_.

Isn't it?


	4. Fourth Circle: Greed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own them, you know this already. Warnings: Angst. May provoke murderous feelings. (Especially towards Camille.)
> 
> The events of this chapter are set before the events of the previous chapter.

**Fourth Circle: Greed**

Magnus and Ragnor's 'on again, off again' - fucking, not fucking - relationship really ends at the end of junior year, because Ragnor's moving to Boston for college and 'that's not exactly convenient if you're horny' and Alec is slightly surprised at how relieved he is - he's just so glad that Ragnor isn't  _touching_  Magnus anymore.

Even though Magnus, now that he's not  _associated_  with anyone, could well find a new lover that he actually has romantic feelings for and that would be so much worse, knowing that Magnus is doing things with someone he loves that isn't Alec-

It would be so much more painful, but he hasn't found someone yet, so Alec is relieved for the time being.

And also, now that Ragnor isn't around, Alec has much more of Magnus to himself, because all the time that the two of them spent together has to be filled up with  _something_  and most of the time that something that is currently filling up Magnus' time  _is_  Alec, and it's so good. They haven't spent this amount of time together for most of the last year.

Kind of good, kind of bad, also, is the fact that Magnus certainly seems to be… Closer. Maybe more touchy-feely would be the right words, because he is - hanging off of Alec's neck, swinging an arm around him half the time, half lying on his legs when they're playing video games and just… Touchy-feely.

And it feels nice- godammit it feels nice, not only in the way Magnus will sometimes randomly start massaging his neck or something, but just in that every little brush of skin gives him a little jolt of warmth through him.

So while he sometimes feels uncomfortable because, well, Magnus is touching him and the way those long fingers will move across his skin turns him on- he's not brave enough to try and make him stop. He  _needs_  Magnus. So, so, so much.

So one day when they leave the school gates and Magnus' arm is around him pretty casually and has just made a joke about the Lit paper they just got and- it's funny, so Alec's laughing and the other boy is suddenly  _looking_  at him and then brushes a bit of his hair out of his eye and the tanned fingers brush his forehead and he gets this  _zing_  of heat rushing from his head and they've slowed down their walking pace-

"Oh, you two are  _cute_." A female voice cuts through Alec's thoughts and they both look further along the sidewalk and it's

"Camille." Magnus' voice sounds funny and Alec looks back at him and the gorgeous eyes are narrowed and look golden and Magnus' arm is still at his waist, his fingers still by Alec's forehead-

He realises what Camille said and pulls away, looking back at her. "We're not- like- uh-"

"Dating." Magnus finishes and Alec feels his fingers against his skin for a millisecond as Magnus takes his arm back away from him and Alec can feel his face flushing as disappointment shoots through him- but why? What did he expect, Magnus to say that they were? - and it's chased by fear when Camille raises her eyebrow at him with a superior smile and disbelieving eyes before her gaze slides over to Magnus.

"Well, I'm glad then." The way she pushes off the side of the car, steps forward, pushes some of her white blonde hair back - it makes him feel physically sick.

"So, are you free to go for a drink?"

Magnus chuckles dryly. "I'm seventeen, Camille."

"So?" She comes to a halt in front of them and rests a hand on Magnus' arm.

Alec breathes out as Magnus shakes his head, the relief slightly overwhelming. "No, I'm hanging out with Alec tonight."

Alec bites his lip, worrying the skin. He would regret this- "You can go if you want, Magnus, it's fine." He meets his friend's eyes and they're surprised, and maybe a little worried.

"No, you can't get rid of me that easily." Magnus reaches out and ruffles his hair briefly before turning back to the girl in front of them. "It's not like Camille lives very far away, if she wants to hang out with me then we can find some time when neither of us have a commitment." Alec's heart lifts in his chest and he's having a hard time telling himself not to smile.

Camille shrugs but her eyes are icy. "And you, Alec?"

He can't help but flush in embarrassment and anger, because she's so- "No."

Magnus grabs his arm and pulls him away, but Alec looks back at her and she's watching them walk off with a strange expression, an amused smile and a curious look in her eyes.

It sends a cold shiver down his spine that even Magnus' tight grip can't dispel.

* * *

Magnus is sweet that afternoon, clingy but distracted when he thinks that Alec isn't watching - but Alec always has an eye on him, he can't help it - so he sees and tries to question him but Magnus just brushes it aside time and time again and Alec's sinking heart knows that Camille's claws have hooked him.

A few weeks later, his fears are realised, when once again, Magnus asks him his opinion on someone he's considering dating-or-whatever. Camille.

One part of Alec wants to scream at him for even considering her. Wants to say 'Can't you see that she's an evil bitch?' but he doesn't have any evidence or proof, just his personal feelings.

A small part of him wants to be able to say 'I think it's a good idea' and actually mean it, which probably be impossible even if he did think that, because something about her makes him jealous as hell, much more so than Ragnor ever did.

So all he does is manage to force out the neutral words of 'Do what you want to do, I guess' and then ignore Magnus' pleas to tell him what he thinks because his heart is breaking a little more and it takes everything he has to hold himself together.

And apparently what Magnus wants  _is_  Camille, because she turns up outside of their school again a couple of days after and taps her foot impatiently while Magnus is questioning Alec on which parts of the Lit homework is most important to have finished.

Alec has to watch them walk away together, Camille laughing as Magnus grins down at her. He could have stopped this, he thinks, maybe. He might not have to be standing here, feeling like he is, if he had at least tried.

He turns away, looks to the ground as he begins to move in the opposite direction to them. His pace becomes faster and faster and the concrete beneath his shoes begins to blur as angry tears fill his eyes. Angry at himself, at Camille, but not at Magnus, not very much at least. It's not like he could know that Alec is in love with him.

The thought stops him in his tracks and he wipes impatiently at his eyes.

He loves Magnus.

He's never fully admitted it to himself before. He knew he liked him. Lusted after him. Ached for his touch, his words, his breath.

He has been a fool.

He wanders until he reaches a small park, empty, and sits on the grass and lets his tears flow. Lets himself cry like the idiot that he is for his blindness.

Eventually his tears run out, so he heads for home. Izzy pounces on him as soon as he gets in the door, questioning where he's been until she sees the dried tears on his cheeks and drags him to her room where she can ask more privately  _what happened_.

'I love him.' Alec chokes out the words and she understands, holding him tight while he cries some more. He sobs out the situation and how he realised and Izzy sympathises and calls Camille a toad, which, through his despair, makes Alec laugh.

When he's finished crying again, she holds him down while she puts a little makeup on him to disguise the signs of his distress and makes him eat some of his hidden stash of chocolate.

The rest of the evening is hard and be goes to the gym with Jace because it's helped before, but this time it isn't and Alec goes to sleep that night exhausted and heart aching.

The next day Magnus is happy, because the date went pretty well and she seemed interested in what he was saying, and her talk of studying psychology at Clark was really interesting, so things look good.

But other than that, Magnus doesn't talk about her much, so Alec can try and forget her (without much success) and they still spend lots of time together and Alec would be greedy to think that that wasn't enough - but it's not, won't ever be- and he has to put those kinds of thoughts out of his mind. Because Magnus is still beautiful and charming and they're still best friends.

As time passes, Magnus seems to be spending more and more time with her and it makes him so bloody jealous but sad and worried too, because Magnus looks tired and not so cheerful anymore. Izzy has noticed, and asks Magnus what the matter is, but he just smiles at her and begins to talk about other things.

Dia and Kate still spend time with them, even though Dia is spending a lot of time training to be a baker and Kate's heavily into her Journalism degree, but one Saturday sees Magnus running out on them at a command from Camille and Alec just kind of waits until he's out of sight to collapse because nothing is working and he just can't  _handle_  it anymore

-the thoughts the sounds the pounding in his head and his heart and everything just can't happen because of everything he's ever done and can be and wasn't and his head is bursting his skin is one fire and every ounce of his flesh is being sliced up by a thousand knives-

Kate thrusts him into her car and starts to drive, speaking of words and pages and editing and layouts and confusing things until they arrive at a warehouse.

Which turns out to be the local archery group and Kate's younger sister teaches him how to use a bow, how to aim, how to keep his arms from shaking.

And it fills his mind, this task, and he finds that he's interested and somewhat calmer - almost completely calmer - because now there's something that he can  _do_.

Kate is smiling when Alec rejoins her over an hour later and he thanks her for bringing him here and helping him and she replies that it's no problem, she's just happy that he feels better. They get outside and she stops and looks at him strangely. "One day Magnus will realise what she really is, and leave her. One day, Alec, he'll see that you love him, that you're who he was looking for."

Her strange pronouncement has his mouth turn dry, her words calling up the dream he won't acknowledge, and he shakes his head. "Don't mix truth and lies. Please."

She's sympathetic, but she doesn't speak again on the way back to Alec's house, and for that he is grateful, and says so as he gets out.

She just gives him a sad smile before driving off.

Jace sees that there's something wrong but leaves him alone, and makes Izzy back off as well, and so Alec spends a quiet evening and the next day with Max, watching tv and reading.

When Alec sees Magnus again at school, he pretends that nothing happened, merely informing his friend that he's taking up archery, and Magnus is happy and interested in his new sport and Alec feels a bit better.

* * *

Everything is so much easier now, Alec finds. His heart still aches, he's still angry and sad and jealous, but at least now he can pretend that the centre of the target is Camille's face and watch in satisfaction as each arrow thuds in, marring the white and gold features.

Just a little bit of revenge in his mind.

Only he slightly wishes that it  _was_  her that he is hurting even if that's actually really mean and cruel to anyone and he wouldn't actually be able to shoot Camille with an arrow - well, maybe into her foot or something he might - but nothing serious, he sometimes finds himself assuring Kate when she sees him putting particularly powerful arrows into the target. But it's the thought of Magnus looking so strained and upset like he had the day before that makes him do it.

Magnus has never actually complained about her, which is what creeps Alec out, because surely he can't be imagining it. Can't be imagining the dark shadows underneath his eyes, the weight that he's shed, turning him from slender to skinny, the fake smiles that Alec can easily recognise - he's been using them himself these last few months.

He sees the way that they act around each other and it makes him want to throw up because one moment Camille will be all over Magnus and the next his back will be stiff and unresponsive and the girl  _laughs_.

Sometimes he feels like screaming at Camille because she sees Magnus and does nothing and wastes his time and hurts him, while Magnus deserves so much better than her cruel smiles and teasing games.

And he finds himself holding on for those tiny bits of peace and sanity when he's with Magnus, and the way Camille will simply toss the beautiful boy aside makes him angry and breaks his heart because Magnus is never his cheerful self anymore.

And if Magnus isn't cheerful, what does that make Alec?

But he can't interfere, he wouldn't know how to and anyway what if Magnus wants to handle it on his own but he can't let it go on and it kills him to be so helpless.

* * *

And then spring comes and Magnus breaks up with Camille and Alec feels alive again, as if the stuffy air that he'd been breathing again and again has been blown away and Magnus is  _laughing_. He tries to apologise for not helping but Magnus waves it off and says that he needed to realise his idiocy himself and that he was sorry for not talking to Alec so much and what can he do to make it up to him? Magnus is smiling, grinning, his mouth is it's beautiful natural shape and his eyes are happy too, but Alec feels as though something in those eyes has died, has been snuffed out.

And he feels as if he's never truly been so furious with Camille, hating her with every fibre of his being as he does at that moment, realising that she's taken part of Magnus that will never return, that she's taken for pleasure and never valued, never known how precious it was.

Magnus is looking at him strangely when he returns from his thoughts. "Why are you looking upset?"

"I was just thinking that Camille is a total bitch."

Magnus laughs. "I agree completely, so we should celebrate!"

So by themselves they celebrate with silly games and stupid jokes and while Alec is overjoyed to have his friend back, he can't forget what he'll never have.

And that is Magnus.

* * *

The fourth painting makes him almost cry, as he recognises the longing on each of the sinner's faces. His longing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you enjoyed it. The awfulness is just beginning.


	5. Fifth Circle: Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Fifth Circle is anger.
> 
> Warnings: Angsty angsty angst angst and sadness because I'm an evil bitch like Camille who I hope you hate even more now and also a little Chairman Meow because he is the ruler of the universe. I don't own any of The Mortal Instruments blahdeblah we know.
> 
> Enjoy. (Or not.)

**Fifth Circle: Anger**

Alec hears a door slam, and then Magnus stalks past the kitchen where he's making pasta and out of the front door, slamming that as well. He can't help but be curious as to what has Magnus so mad, and he's confident that the pasta is far from finished, so he walks back through the house to where he suspects Magnus was. His studio. He opens the door and every brushstroke is furious, harsh lines delineating faces, the agony and sorrow, the  _wrath_.

* * *

During the first three years of their friendship, the biggest fights Alex and Magnus ever have are over what kind of food to eat or what move or TV show to watch.

There had been periods when Alec kind of avoided Magnus because of him dating someone but they never yell at each other apart from with excitement or happiness or when they're angry with somebody else.

* * *

Magnus drives them to Boston - which isn't a long trip or anything, only they have a purpose and it seems further than usual - a few days after the apartment announcement which still is a bit weird in Alec's mind but it's almost the end of summer and Magnus is freaking out a little because there's no furniture and he wants it looking perfect before they move in. So they have their first look at it and it's way too nice for the rent Alec's parents are going to charge them and it feels kind of weird and creepy that they're being so nice about that because normally they get Alec and his siblings to pay for most of their own things as the get older.

They're paying for the furniture as well, some of it at least, the essential things like tables and chairs and basic appliances. Maryse offers to look for the furniture, or at least get her PA to do it, but Magnus insists on doing it himself.

And Alec has no idea there so many secondhand furniture shops around, but Magnus has to have dragged him to every single one in search of 'the perfect furniture' and he manages it, and though Alec knows he's no judge about that kind of thing compared to Magnus, but he thinks that (almost) every item that Magnus buys  _is_  perfect, and while there were a couple of strange things that Magnus just had to have, it all turned out really well.

Even if he is a bit biased towards things that Magnus chooses.

The overall style is rather eclectic, but gorgeous and a bit outrageous in some places and comfortable, and they have everything they need except for beds.

They're both keeping their beds at home because it's not like they're not going to go back home quite a bit, and Izzy and Jace both keep making comments about how much easier it would be if they only had to buy one bed and only stop when Alec threatens to tell their future boyfriends and girlfriends embarrassing stories of them, and even then they still smirk at him when Magnus turns up at the door and announces that they're going bed shopping.

So Alec's not really in the greatest of moods as the drive into town, even though Magnus is singing rather exuberantly which he normally enjoys slightly.

He doesn't feel any better when they arrive at the store and a sales girl immediately latches onto Magnus and drags him over towards the double beds, leaving Alec to follow behind them, bored and irritated. Magnus is obviously enjoying himself, listening to the sales talk and the supposed amazing qualities of each mattress as he sits and lays back on each one.

"Hey, Alec!" His attention is drawn away from annoyed thoughts. "Come over and try this mattress out, it's so comfortable, seriously, you have to try it!"

He's beckoning furiously, so Alec has no choice but to walk over and sit down on the other side of the bed. He sinks into the mattress like butter melts on hot fresh bread. It's soft, almost deliciously so, but it gradually becomes firmer, and it's just so nice that when Magnus asks him how he likes it he can barely mumble that it's simply perfect and then just lies there some more.

The sales girl giggles and asks if they'd like to look at more bed frames because it looks like that's the mattress that they're going to go with and Magnus says 'sure' rather chirpily but Alec would rather stay lying there for a bit because he doesn't want to see them flirting and plus it's the most comfortable bed he's laid on and so he just waves them off.

The annoying giggled walks off with Magnus and as Alec closes his eyes, he hears her say, "Your boyfriend is so  _cute_!" and his eyes fly back open, every muscle in his body tensing despite the bed as he waits for Magnus' brush off.

There's a pause that seems to last forever.

"I know, he's the most adorable thing ever!" She starts giggling again and Alec is frozen, half stupidly happy and half furious because shit being Magnus boyfriend is all he wants but he's  _not_  and Magnus is pretending that he is and why and what and this doesn't make any sense and his head hurts and-

His phone rings and pulls Alec out of his thoughts, but he takes a second to answer because he feels dizzy-

"Alec?" Isabelle's sobbing into the phone and he jumps off the bed because something's wrong, his parents, Jace-

His blood runs cold has she chokes out the next words. "It's Max, Alec, he's throwing up and something's wrong, we called the ambulance-"

"Magnus!" He calls his name in fear and desperation, all the anger has left him, because  _Max_ \- Magnus turns around and Alec's halfway towards him, grabbing his arm as Izzy continues to sob into the phone that's still at his ear and he can't do anything but say "We'll be right there," and hang up as he pulls Magnus out of the shop, into the car and tells him the name of the hospital and what's going on. Alec can't keep still and a couple of times during the journey Magnus takes one hand off of the wheel and grips Alec's, squeezing it tightly until he has to drive properly again and breaks the speed limit several times so that they can get to the hospital faster and as they get there Alec jumps out of the car outside the doors and runs through to the emergency waiting room where Izzy said they'd be.

He sees them and Izzy's eyes are red but she's not crying anymore and she hugs him tightly and she's smiling because the doctors figured out that it's appendicitis and so Max is going to a have the operation really soon but it's all going to be okay.

Magnus comes into the waiting room just as she's finished telling him this, so she lets go of Alec goes to hug his friend and Alec is free to look questioningly at his mother who looks strained. She beckons him to her side Alec asks "Will Max be okay?"

She bites her lip before telling him the truth that she's obviously kept from Isabelle and Jace. There's a chance of complications. It's not a very high chance, but there is and Maryse looks  _frightened_  and Alec's never seen her like that before and it scares him too.

He embraces his mother briefly and steps back, sitting down in one of the uncomfortable chairs, nearish to Jace, who's just kind of sitting there texting, looking perfectly calm, but his shoulders are tense. Every so often he'll smile slightly at his phone.

Alec looks up at Magnus as he sits down next to him looking relieved. "It sounds like it's going to be okay." Alec nods and they both kind of fall silent because really there's not much that's not awkward to talk about right now.

He watches the clock and it seems as if time is going extra slowly. There's something about the fact that it's Max sick is scarier than if it were anyone else. Maybe because he's so young - there isn't anything that should be able to hurt him at this age, the rest of his family all have a much higher chance of something happening to them, wouldn't they?

And also… It's his baby brother. The one who has to be protected.

"It's okay if I stay, right?"

He jumps slightly at the sound of Magnus' voice, surprised, and turns to him.

"Of course." He manages a small smile and Magnus' eyes crinkle up happily.

The hubbub of the room surrounds them and Alec stares at the clock and fidgets. His finger starts tapping, and then his foot, and then his leg begins to jiggle up and down and it seems like hours have passed but it's only been twenty minutes.

All that he can see is the minute hand on the clock slowly, slowly moving onwards.

A hand clamps down his hand and thigh and he turns to look at Magnus rather shocked and it reminds him of what happened in the store-

"You're making Izzy nervous!" his best friend hisses under his breath and when Alec looks across at the seats opposite them he sees that she is, she's chewing her manicured nails even though she got rid of that habit when she was seven and she's staring at the clock just like he was. He nods at Magnus who takes his hand off his leg just in time because Izzy looks towards them quickly and Alec smiles as truthfully as he can and she visibly relaxes and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at him as she mouths something about 'the bed'…

His thoughts from just a minute before come rushing back and he flushes and how could Magnus say that-

He grabs Magnus' arm and stands up, pulling him with him out of the room, ignoring his words and tone of protest. When they get outside Alec lets go and takes in a breath of fresh air before turning back towards Magnus. "Why didn't you correct her in the shop?"

Magnus just kind of stares at him for a second or two. "Pardon?"

"When she assumed that I was your boyfriend."

He's looking incredulously at him which is probably right because it's not a serious thing and it's probably really stupid-

"Alec, it was only a girl working in a shop. I played along because why not? I didn't think you'd get so bloody upset when someone thought you were gay."

It's not that she thought he was gay because she was right and he is but Magnus doesn't know that and doesn't know that he's angry because someone saying things about him and Magnus being together hurts so much. "It's not that-"

"You're not offended by being called gay?"

"No!" He's breathing hard, his heart pounding like he's just run because he wants to run, lead Magnus away from the invisible fence he's standing much too close to, just metres away from Alec's biggest secret.

"Then what?"

"I-" He chokes and has to angrily clamp down on the tears that are threatening to spill. "This- Max-"

His legs wobble and suddenly Magnus is next to him, arms around him, holding him up, holding him tight against his chest.

"Please don't cry, Alec."

Magnus' soft words only seem to make him sob harder and he feels so weak, because Magnus has never seen him cry, no one other than Izzy that one time has since he broke his arm when he was eleven, because if he ever felt sad he'd hide in his room until he felt better. But he can't stop the tears this time, and it feels so good being wrapped in Magnus' arms that he wouldn't be able to pull away anyway.

So he cries until his tears dry up and Magnus strokes his hair and comforts him until he has a hold of himself once more and they go back into the waiting room and play a card game on Magnus' phone.

It's still a little bit tense because it's been an hour and no news has come about Max but Magnus distracts him well and it's kept just a worry and soon enough a doctor comes out and tells them that Max is okay but he'll be sleeping off the anaesthetic for another hour or two.

Alec breathes a heavy sigh of relief and Izzy is laughing and hugging Jace tightly and he's hugging her back and grinning widely as well. His mother is pulling her phone out of her bag, presumably to call Robert - and Alec still doesn't know why he isn't here - and Magnus' hand is covering his and squeezing rather hard and Alec smiles back, and in the complete joy of the moment he finds himself about to lean forward and kiss Magnus.

But he stops himself, and the moment passes and a bit of the happiness inside him dies as it does.

Izzy decides to stay at the hospital so that she can see Max when he wakes up, and Maryse does as well and she still looks upset and it makes Alec worry, but she gives them her car keys to go back home and pick up some of Max's stuff because he'll have to stay overnight. Magnus interrupts at this point to say that he'd be happy to drive them and Maryse looks gratefully at him which surprises Alec because frankly she's never looked so warm and motherly.

The drive back is quiet, but not uncomfortably so. Alec's mood is dropping, after the fear and then happiness for Max, the anger at Magnus, has all dropped away and he's left feeling rather empty, and Magnus isn't driving them back to the hospital as they decided that they could drive the other car - that Jace, Izzy and Alec share use of - back.

They stop outside their house and he turns to face Magnus as he unclips his seatbelt and thanks him. He opens the door and Magnus grabs hold of his arm.

"I can go back to the store and buy the mattresses, get them delivered tomorrow. Correct her. Would that be okay?"

Alec realises from the plea on his face that Magnus hasn't actually forgiven himself for hurting Alec, even if he doesn't really know how or even that he did, so he nods and musters up the best smile he can. "That would be good."

Magnus smiles back and the grip on his arm loosens, letting him slide out of the car and his arm through Magnus' fingers, until their fingers are touching briefly and stop, and then he's gone.

As soon as Magnus has driven out of sight and the head up the driveway, Jace's mouth is open. "What the hell was that?"

Alec's happiness has just driven away,  _that's what_ , and he can feel a headache coming on. "Can we just get Max's stuff, please?"

Jace leaves him alone, thankfully, while they search for things that Max would want with him, when they get in the car, when the stop outside the nearest bookstore to buy the latest issues of his favourite comics. It's only when they get to the post-op room and Maryse has left to try and get hold of their father  _again_  that Jace brings it up.

Izzy's there, and she wants to know too, wants to know what happened when they left the waiting room, why he came back looking the way he did.

He feels ambushed, hemmed in, and falls into a chair beside Max's bed, tunes out their words, and watches his little brother breathe slowly. They tire of his non-responsiveness rather quickly, and sit down as well, and soon their mother joins them and they are all sitting and staring at Max.

Alec's mind wanders, as it invariably does, to Magnus, and only realises that Max is awake when Izzy jumps up and hugs the small figure on the bed.

The four of them crowd around the twelve year old who laughs and asks why they were all so worried and then he sees the comics and smiles at them each in turn before turning his attention to them. Alec is sitting close to the bed partially reading the adventures of somebody-or-other and watching Max because  _he's okay_  and Jace is sitting beside him and Izzy is perched on the other side of the bed and seem to be doing the same thing and their mom is watching them all with a smile.

At one point Jace and Izzy are arguing about the importance of the male and the female sidekicks and Max beckons Alec closer and whispers in his ear "Sorry for ruining your shopping trip."

Alec is more than a little nonplussed and says, "Max, you didn't ruin anything, you're far more important, it was just shopping."

"Yeah, but-" Max's eyes slide past Alec and he falls silent and turns back to the comic, leaving him more lost than ever.

He's distracted a few minutes later as Magnus texts him to say that the beds are sorted and will be delivered the next day. Max is discharged the morning after the operation and everything is fine according to the doctors but their parents make him stay at home the next few days.

Magnus sorts the beds out, sorts the furniture out, and makes Alec help him repaint the lounge. Well, he doesn't actually  _make_  Alec do anything, because it turns out that when Magnus is painting walls he wears his oldest - and therefore small and tight - clothing, and, as Izzy said,  _Damn does he look fine_.

The house is ready to Magnus' standards rather quickly, so they have a small housewarming party with their families and then a rather larger one with their friends before their first year in college begins.

And it seems like everything is fine. Any anger forgotten.

* * *

Alec enjoys college. He likes the classes, the work. It's more interesting than high school, with a freer aspect and there's just so many things going on that it's much easier to lose himself in the things he does. It helps, he supposes, that Magnus isn't at the same campus and he therefore doesn't see him nearly as much during the day as he did in high school.

Alternatively, living with Magnus has him seeing way more than before. As in, when Alec has an early start and is getting ready and Magnus comes out of his room  _completely naked_. And he can never get used to that, no matter how often it happens (which is more than he would like, at least that's what he tells himself).

But he has to admit that living with Magnus is nice. Seeing him yawn sleepily and snuggle into the sofa and continue to watch What Not To Wear. Laughing with him when he turns pop music on and dances around the house crazily.

Sometimes, when Magnus finishes a particularly worrying piece of work, one that he's spent hours and hours working on, perfecting, he'll come and find him, grinning madly, tired though he invariably is. And Alec will push him into bed, make sure he gets to sleep, insides glowing with warmth because it's him who Magnus shares that with, small though it may be.

* * *

Alec finds that knowing when Magnus is likely with someone isn't so bad, really. Sure, there are nights when Magnus doesn't get home, or at least not until late (or really, early in the morning), but while Magnus talks about all of the people that are in his class, who is nice and who is talented and which students aren't serious and who is basically just a pretentious asshole, Magnus never tells him about who he likes and whether anyone has asked him out or who he spends his nights with. So in a way, it makes it easier for him to ignore.

At least for a while.

But things fall apart too fast, even if it takes three months for something to happen.

Its just like any other evening, really, except Magnus still isn't home when dinners ready and he said he would be and maybe he should be worried but really Alec's been waiting for this to happen. Waiting for him to not turn up.

He's almost finished most of his work and it's almost one because Alec can't actually sleep yet by the time Magnus falls in the door. He's obviously a bit tipsy, as he giggles on sighting Alec and then his face draws in. "I forgot to tell you I wouldn't be home! I'm sorry, Alec-"

"It's fine."

Magnus brightens and looks back at the doorway. "Come on, Sammy, Alec doesn't bite." Magnus pulls a rather stocky blonde man through the door and shuts it, sends Alec a grin and disappears further into the house. 'Sammy' waves awkwardly and follows, leaving Alec alone in the kitchen with a sick feeling in his stomach and throat and a blank mind.

He was not prepared for this.

He should have been, he damn well should have known that this would happen.

He gathers up his work and takes it to his room, at the opposite end of Magnus', thank god.

He turns his music on, but despite the calm he thinks he feels, he can stay still, can't stay here, can't stay in the house with them. He grabs his iPod and resists the urge to run, to slam the door, until he gets outs of there, he's over the road.

There he actually puts his sneakers on properly, puts his headphones on and gets the fastest, most pounding music he has and begins to run. There aren't many cars around, and the air's chilly - well, actually almost freezing, seeing as it's early December - and it feels good.

It takes his thoughts away for a while.

Like he's concentrating on just surviving.

All he knows is the air passing by him, the pavement beneath his feet, the darkness surrounding him.

It begins to rain on his way back, so he has to speed up, but he's quite thoroughly soaked by the time he re-enters the apartment.

He's in the hallway, beside the linen cupboard, shirt stripped off and towelling his hair when he hears a door open and he freezes, unsure of what to do. His mind frantically tries to kick back into function and Magnus appears a few metres away, and stops.

They stare at each other in silence for a minute before Magnus decides to break the silence.

"I- I thought you were in bed. Like, asleep."

"I haven't been sleeping well." This is true. "I went for a run."

"Oh."

They lapse back into silence and Alec self-consciously brings the towel to his front to rub at his already dry chest and arms.

"So, uh, Sammy-"

Magnus flushes. "Went home twenty minutes ago."

"Oh." Alec looks at his watch and it turns out that it's half past two. He looks back up and meets Magnus' glowing eyes. "Um, if you let me know if you're bringing someone over I can always get out of the way, you know." He knows his face is bright red by the time he stumbles through the sentence and he looks away from Magnus because he's way too embarrassed to be saying this-

"We- we didn't have sex!" Alec's eyebrows fly upwards in disbelief as he looks back at his friend, who notices and punches his arm lightly. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything!"

Magnus grins at him. "Thanks for the offer, but I'll try not to have to take you up on it. And it would probably be good if you could let me know when you're bringing someone home-"

Alec can't help but snort at that even though his heart's like lead in his chest and Magnus' words have made it hard to breathe. "Sure." He's pretty sure that Magnus doesn't miss his grimace, but it's natural to do so and he's suddenly too tired to care much anyway. "I'm going to shower." He turns and walks away, unaware of whether Magnus answers him or not, and closes the bathroom door behind him.

He turns the water on, lets the hot water slide over him, warming up his limbs but not his head or heart or soul because he's lost them somewhere again and he's detached from his senses, the slippery tile beside his shoulders and beneath his feet, his hands clutched in fists, the whiteness around him giving way to images of Magnus that are seared into his brain-

He comes awake again with a start and shuts off the water and dries himself and he falls asleep just about as soon as his head touches the pillow but he  _still_  doesn't know where he is.

* * *

Throughout second year Alec gets more and more exhausted, more ready to simply fall asleep and not wake up for a very long time.

Jace seems to be just as annoying as when they lived in the same house, which he definitely shouldn't be seeing as he's gone to college at UCLA, where Alec thought it would be impossible for him to bug him. But no.

Clary, whom he somehow managed to convince to date him, is studying at Rhode Island School of Design, which means that Jace comes back to New England every possible day he has off so that he can visit her.

And that every single visit Jace tries to get Alec to let them stay in his room because Clary lives in a dorm, and Alec shudders whenever he thinks about it because Jace is his  _brother_  and Clary turned out to actually be a nice girl who probably deserves better than Jace, though she seems like she puts up with his crap pretty well.

And besides,  _that's his bed_.

This weekend isn't any different to the last twelve times that Jace has turned up on their doorstep, and his arguments are still the same.

"Oh come on, Alec! I'm dying here! I haven't seen Clary in a month! A month, Alec! I usually see her at least once every couple of weeks! Just two or three hours."

"No!"

"Actually, it might be four or five. Or six."

"Bloody hell, Jace, I already said no!"

He slams the pot that he's going to cook their dinner in down on the bench, making Jace wince slightly.

"Yeah, but-"

"But nothing! Anyway, I thought that you respect Clary."

"This has nothing to do with my respecting her or not, and everything to do with the fact that we've barely kissed recently."

Alec glares at Jace. "Last time you were here I walked in on you two half naked on the couch."

"So?"

Alec groans and gives up on any ideas of cooking. "Besides, where would I sleep?"

A wicked glint appears in Jace's eyes. "You could sleep with Magnus."

His heart seizes up for a minute at the thought, but he can't let himself think like that all. "No! Why would you- god dammit Jace- I- no! Anyway I don't want you guys doing god knows what in my bed!"

Jace looks put out, but really, how well did he think his request would go down, after the dozen refusals he'd had before.

"What's this about?"

Alec spins around at the sound of Magnus' voice. How long had he been standing in the kitchen doorway?

"Alec won't let me borrow his bed."

"You're still trying- just get a hotel."

Alec feels like snapping at Magnus for encouraging him, though he doesn't know why, but Jace doesn't look very happy with the suggestion.

"Hotels seem weird though-"

"And doing it in my bed isn't?" Alec mutters angrily, but Jace doesn't seem to hear. Magnus does though, as he's crossed the room by now, and quirks an eyebrow, making him flush. It's not that silly a reason.

Jace starts off on his spiel of why Alec should give in and Alec's just about ready to smack him with the frying pan to get him to shut the fuck up when Magnus pipes up again.

"When are you planning this, anyway? Tonight?"

Jace scoffs and replies that he's too tired from travelling to do anything too  _active_  - Alec shudders - tonight, he'll probably fall asleep at like eight pm anyway. "Tomorrow night."

Magnus looks thoughtful. "Actually, tomorrow night there's a party at Ragnor's."

Jace whoops and looks smugly at Alec. "I don't need your room then, bro."

He turns to Magnus in horror. "You can't be serious. And I am  _so_  not staying here."

"There's always room at Ragnor's."

Alec sighs, knowing he's lost.

The next evening, he locks his bedroom door before leaving the house with Magnus, who's in full party glory, and wonders why he puts up with anybody.

But Magnus grinning and happy and every time he smiles Alec's mood lifts and it's impossible to stay mad for long because he's even more head over heels and it all makes his head spin until he can't think straight.

So at the party he dances and drinks a bit and watches sadly as Magnus chats up everyone and eventually falls into one of the spare beds alone.

* * *

Alec is tired. After staying up until 3am the night before to finish an assignment that he'd forgotten about, he walked into class six hours later to find that it wasn't due until the next week.

He doesn't get home until five, after a day of constant classes, and god is he exhausted.

He's confused when he walks in the door and sees muddy shoeprints on the floor, as normally Magnus is pretty careful about mess - and his shoes - so it's very strange that they're lying by the end if the dirty tracks as if he's simply kicked them off.

"Magnus?"

"In here!" His voice comes from the bathroom, and Alec throws the door open to find him sitting cross-legged on the floor with a towel around ball of white fluff. Magnus grins at him and holds up the ball of fluff, on which eyes appear and a tiny pink mouth opens and emits a soft growl.

"A cat."

Magnus nods, bringing the kitten back to his chest and stroking it gently. "He's adorable, isn't he? I'm calling him Chairman Meow."

There's a sharp pain behind Alec's eyes. "You want to have a cat."

"No, I have a cat. I found him underneath a tree and tomorrow I'm taking him to the vet to make sure he's okay and all that other stuff, and Ragnor should be around soon with food and kitten formula and other things I might need." He looks pleased with himself and part of Alec wants to sit down next to him and stroke 'Chairman Meow' but

"Do you even know how to look after a kitten?"

"No, but the Internet does." Magnus looks up at him questioningly. "I thought you liked cats. You have Church at home, but you sound like you don't want to keep Chairman."

"No, it's just- Kittens are hard work, and are you prepared for that? I mean-"

"Alec, it'll be fine. I'll take all responsibility for him, don't worry."

"But you have to keep a really close eye on him for now and will he be allowed outside and you won't be able to let him in your studio, you know, and-"

"Alec!" Magnus gracefully rises to his feet and moves closer. "Look at the adorable kitten, okay?  _Relax_." With one hand still holding Chairman Meow firmly, Magnus reaches up to Alec's head and pulls his hand from where it's running through his hair and holds it tight.

Alec realises that his whole body's shaking.

Magnus pulls him out of the bathroom and forces him to sit down on the orange sofa, where he can deposit the kitten onto his lap and turn his attention to Alec.

"You don't look well." A warm hand is placed on his forehead and it's hard not to flinch away because when Magnus gets to close to him like this for too long he gets-

"You're warm, Alec. Did you get any sleep last night?"

He find himself flushing guiltily - Magnus is sounding suspiciously like Izzy does when she know that he's done something stupid - and murmuring that he might have got three or four hours.

"Alright. Bed. Now. Go."

Magnus points towards Alec's bedroom and he gets up, finding his legs to be suddenly shaky. In a flash the cat is off Magnus' lap and Magnus is slipping an arm around his waist.

"I can get there myself, I'm not a cripple."

"I can't take that chance." The words warm Alec, and in silence he lets Magnus take him to his bedroom, pull the covers around him and ruffle his hair briefly before slipping into unconsciousness.

* * *

Something is tickling his chin as he finds himself beginning to wake, who knows when. A small rough surface nudges him a little before the tickling continues in an constant upwards motion on his neck.

The kitten.

Voices filter through his sleep. "They are completely adorable."

"I guess."

"It's like Alec is his mother. You can't tell me that that isn't the cutest thing ever."

"You guys have a cat as a love child, freak. You are completely biased."

It's a strange conversation, but Alec feels himself falling asleep once more. He'll ask Magnus what they were talking about in the morning…

* * *

It's only by chance that he finds it.

He would normally never be somewhere like this, it's generally Magnus' area, so he would get him to help, but Magnus is really busy and he hasn't really seen him actually and he's run out of time-

He has to stop, lean against a wall, breathe.

He takes the time to look around properly, scan the mass of stalls for anything that seems likely; it's Clary's birthday coming up and she and Jace have been dating for a long time now, so he has an idea of what she likes, the more alternative, arty, unique things. Normally Magnus would help him, but he doesn't want to disturb the working artist, so he's come to the independent craft market and there's so much damn stuff that he has no idea what to do.

He ends up just kind of wandering along, letting his eyes drift over the various wares people are selling, looking for anything that Clary might like. Even though he doesn't actually know her tastes.

A glint on a table of metal works catches his eye, and he hurries over, desperate to get away from the confusing place that he's found himself.

He doesn't understand what he's seeing.

The piece that's caught his eye isn't one of the pretty pendants, delicate chains.

It's a ring, a band of gold that splits to form a crescent upon joining up again, taking up the top quarter of the piece, the part that would be visible while worn. There's a second crescent, of some dark green stone, sitting at a 90 degree angle to the other, in the middle.

And it reminds him of Magnus.

He's not sure why, maybe the colours remind him of Magnus' eyes because they are kind of similar and he doesn't know why but he just wants to buy it. He picks it up and the woman is saying something about filled gold and serpentine and now that he looks closer he can see the web of paler streaks of greenish gold running like cracks through it, and he lifts his head and asks "How much?"

He walks away with his wallet lighter and the ring weighing down his pocket, his mind mysteriously and blissfully calm.

When he gets home he knows where the ring will go – into the box underneath his bed, with the rest of the growing pile of things that he'll never give Magnus.

* * *

Numbers and formulas are running through his head - third year classes are becoming more difficult - and it's harder to concentrate on his surroundings, but at least it keeps his mind off of Magnus.

A little.

In theory, anyway.

So it's really not surprising that he turns a corner on the way to the supermarket and walks straight into someone, sending them both stumbling backwards.

"I'm sorry," is what he begins to say but his words are cut off by the sharp intake of breath that the sight of her causes.

She looks the same, maybe a little older, a little crueler.

Camille laughs briefly at the sight of him and Alec's guts are twisted in rage at her.

"Hello, Alec."

"Bitch."

She looks merely resigned at his words, like she expected his reaction. "Magnus broke up with me, remember."

Alec knows his attempts at keeping the hate and fury from his face are useless, and gives up. "You were destroying him."

Her face doesn't move, as if it's frozen in its bored expression. "I was experimenting. He was interesting."

"He was-"

"I am a psychology major, Alec."

A hand cracks across her face before Alec even realises that he's raised it to slap her, and when she looks back at him, her delicate features are marred by the red handprints across them and the vicious smile they've been twisted into.

"You're an evil, manipulative psychopath. You fucked around with his mind because you were  _interested_ -"

"Because of you, Alexander."

Alec steps back, disbelieving-

"Because you were so were so blatantly in love with him."

He lets out a choking sound and she steps forward, backing him into the building behind.

"And he never saw it, never suspected, and yet the two of you were the closest friends two so very different guys could be."

His hands clenched and unclenched, heart pounding, head whirling with this information.

"He had no idea of what was wrong in the things he saw, and he still wouldn't let you go. It was all on you."

Alec can barely handle the pressure in his head, but he steps forward, looking down at her. "You had a chance with someone who deserves so much better than you. You gave him up."

Pushing past her, he steels himself for some harsh retort. However her voice is quiet when she speaks. "Are you that person, Alexander, or do you share my company?"

Alec continues to walk away. Carries out the chore he had set out to do and returns home. And finally allows himself to slide to the floor once he's safely shut in his room.

He knows that what Camille did was for herself. What she would have done anyway. But would it have been to Magnus? Would she have hurt him that way if it hadn't been…

He doesn't really realise what he's doing as he stands up. He wanders over to the desk, looks over it vacantly, eyes fixing on the open drawer. It didn't really contain much…

The front door slams and he jumps slightly, startled, as Magnus' voice rings out.

"Alec? Hey, Alec!"

He barely makes it into the hall before Magnus appears, grinning widely.

"Guess who I saw this afternoon!" He continues with hardly a breath. "Camille!"

Alec steps backwards, legs unsteady.

"Yeah, I know, she's actually heading to New York in a week so we'll hopefully never see her again."

Oh god did she tell- "So why-"

"Am I so happy about seeing her?" Magnus smirks. "It wasn't so much her as the red handprint on her cheek." He runs a hand through his loose hair. "God, I could  _kiss_  whoever slapped her."

His words shake Alec. His thoughts are running all over the place, wrapping like a noose around his neck, because  _if only he knew…_

"But you don't know who it was," he manages to get out.

Magnus rolls his eyes. "They deserve more than a kiss, actually. Seriously, anyone who hates her enough to slap her that hard has gotta be pretty awesome."

Alec can't let his voice betray him, and steps backwards. He doesn't know what to say anyway, so steps backwards. Always retreating in the face of danger, the coward that he is, and goes back into his room in silence.

_Would those words have been less hurtful if it hadn't been Alec that Magnus was saying he would like to kiss?_

* * *

His anger only seems to fuel the sadness and pain and self-hatred because he's been so dependent on Magnus for so long that the other man is like a drug to him, and trying to break away, not speaking for a day, spitting out harsh words - they only tear his heart apart further, leave the wounds open, each time he remembers that he can't have Magnus stopping him from healing.

* * *

Sharp black lettering outlines the canvas.

"NO ONE IS FREE OF OUR CURSE."

He jumps backwards and closes the door abruptly, breathing heavily.


	6. Sixth Circle: Heresy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Denial and lies.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own this except for my random original characters.
> 
> Warnings: mentions of self harm, slight non-con? (not serious)

**Sixth Circle: Heresy**

Magnus begins the paintings in their last year of college.

Alec is becoming quieter, bit by bit, drifting further away from everything, little by little. He lets himself fall into study, into the ordered world of mathematics and physics. He's not sure whether Magnus notices or not, really; whether he's too wrapped up in the boys and girls he meets or working at the gallery or painting or drawing or whatever.

He blocks out so much of everything, because it hurts to see it, to know things, sometimes. The big stuff though - it's much harder to miss, and he still can't not listen to Magnus, though he's tried so many times.

So he still knows how Magnus' friends are going, and how Kate asked Dia to marry her the other week after five years of dating - Alec feels guilty because he hasn't seen either of them for ages in his attempt to detach himself - and some new idea he has for a painting.

Magnus' artwork is something that Alec can never ignore. He's too awed by it, too in love with the beauty that Magnus' hands can create.

Particular paints give off rather strong fumes, and the door knob and the area of door and frame around it to spare bedroom is covered with smudges after more than three years of use.

After a particularly pleasing effort Magnus will sometimes bound through the house, hair mussed and smears of colour in various places, because he's too happy to notice any of it.

A lot of the work that's particularly important to Magnus he thinks he sees first, simply because he's in the house, and occasionally he'll take a peek at what Magnus is doing, but he usually waits until he's told about it. Which he is.

So it's surprise one day when a girl in Magnus' class - Tessa, he thinks Magnus introduced her as, though whenever he sees her all he can think is how sad she looks - is sitting in the kitchen with Magnus and they both look up at his entrance and she says, "Don't you think the drawing of Magnus' that's going in the exhibition is great?" and Magnus has never told him about an exhibition or even a drawing because as far as Alec knows he's focusing on paints at the moment.

Tessa looks surprised for a moment when he tells her that he hasn't seen it, then states that therefore he must be going to the exhibition. He looks towards Magnus, who seems to be glaring at Tessa, and says "I guess that'll depend on Magnus" and walks out.

He can hear their voices from the hall on the way to his bedroom but he doesn't bother to try and listen because it feels like he's already heard too much today, and once it seems as if Tessa has left he hears a rather tentative sounding knock on his door.

Magnus looks ashamed as he stumbles over his words; that his work shouldn't really be there, something about how it's not important and 'the exhibition isn't really a big deal anyway' and it's more than a month away so it has slipped his mind. But Alec can practically smell the bullshit, even if he doesn't know what the real reasons were, and so asks Clary about it the next time he sees her, causing her to almost fall over in shock and then refuse to leave their house until she gets an invitation to the opening from Magnus.

* * *

At the exhibition opening - they're still awkward and he can't find Magnus anywhere and he still doesn't know anything about the drawing because Magnus just clams up whenever he asks, so he has no idea how to find the damn thing. He wanders around.

There are plenty of beautiful paintings on the walls. He looks at each briefly, because while part of him is enjoying himself, he also wants to just see Magnus' drawing, understand why he didn't tell him anything of it, and go. His mood dips lower and lower as he passes each painting that isn't Magnus', hoping with each that he's wrong, that he doesn't recognise Magnus' work anymore, that the card next to the painting will say his name.

He gives up when he's about halfway through the exhibition, head aching. He casts a glance over the rest of the room he's currently in, expecting to see nothing of interest, only for his eyes to catch on a large square of paper frame in black on the opposite wall.

Vaguely he realises that he's stopped breathing, but all he can see is the drawing and he's approaching it slowly, half entranced, half apprehensive.

A fall of dark hair, of thin graphite outlines, fading away to white near the bottom of the paper. Amid the tangles, pale fingers are reaching down, knuckles bereft of shading, curling into Magnus' scalp.

Because that's who it undoubtedly is.

The hands are large and angular, a man's, each finger bending sharply as it clutches further into the hair, holds him tight. A darkly shaded ring stands out on the ring finger of the right hand, the detail that he can see traces of covered by strands of hair, a ring that he's positive he's never seen before.

But he can so easily imagine those hands are his.

He feels uncomfortable, after far too long of staring at it, and the nature of the picture is just too much for him and he has to jerk himself away.

He finds Magnus just outside, in the surprisingly warm November air. He looks up at the sound of Alec's footsteps approaching, and flushes slightly.

It's strange, his face has been quite red, lately, when it never is.

"What'd you think?" Alec is surprised by the directness, after all the careful edging around the topic the last few weeks.

"It was…" He's not exactly sure if there's a word that properly describes the feelings he got while looking at it. "Intimate?"

Magnus' cheeks pale. "You saw that?"

He can't help but raise his eyebrows in response. "It was kind of- I don't know." He tries to work out how to explain himself. "I just felt like I was intruding." now he's the one flushing, turning away.

"I feel like everyone who sees it is intruding, I can't even be in there."

He looks back up in surprise, and Magnus is glaring at the building beside them.

"Why is it in there then?"

"I couldn't withdraw it, they wouldn't let me."

He feels like nothing has been explained, and he doesn't understand anything of what's going on. Even why Magnus didn't tell him, because so many people are seeing it anyway, and what does it matter if he does too? Magnus still looks annoyed, and he's just about to walk away when the other man turns around again.

"Are you leaving?" Alec has barely nodded when Magnus continues with, "Have you seen everything?"

Alec can only shrug. "A lot of it seemed a bit flat."

"Flat? Some of the artists who's work is in there are  _huge_  and you say it's  _flat_?"

Finally Alec finds himself grinning, after the bout of melancholy that's overtaken him recently, and laughs. Magnus seems to realise how he's contradicted his earlier statement about the importance of the exhibition and joins him.

As their chuckles die away they say goodbye and Alec begins to walk away, mood lightened.

The drawing doesn't bother him anymore…

He finds himself stopping and turning to look at Magnus again, the words spilling from his mouth before he can stop them. "Who is it?"

"What?"

"Who is the guy in the picture?"

He could swear that Magnus looks more uncomfortable now than he did earlier. "Just… A guy."

"He didn't object to it?" He regrets his questions already.

"Not- not as such, I guess…"

Alec's not sure what that actually means but he has to go, has to get away from the consequences of his stupid mouth. "Nevermind." he has to leave, has to go, run away, not think back, not look at Magnus.

* * *

_He doesn't know why he can't leave well enough alone, why he has to ask, why he can't just ignore anything. But he probably shouldn't think about it, because he can't, and that's that, really. But it does seem like every decision he makes pulls him closer to the depths, forces his mind into tiny spaces and brings all the madness to the edge._

* * *

Everything that Magnus does seems to be beautiful.

Though that could well be a biased opinion, Alec knows. But really, there are so many times that Magnus has got frustrated with something and destroyed it, and Alec wants to cry out "No!" and take it away from him, to try and show him the perfection that he sees.

Most of the work is kind of random, no pieces of a set, no theme to the objects of Alec's adoration.

Until one day Magnus catches Alec reading, sees the title, the cover, and asks if he can borrow it once he's finished.

A week later he's shown a rough sketch of what Magnus says will be the first canvas of nine, each one showing his interpretation of a circle of Hell in Dante's  _Inferno._

It kind of scares him - he's not sure what it is, it's not like he had really put his imagination to what it would be like, so it's not exactly how he imagined it or anything, and it's the first circle, so it's not gruesome or something like that. It's mostly just darkness, so maybe that's why it gives Alec the shivers.

Even more so when Magnus has painted it, and he can see the shadows of people almost melting into the unlit background, blind to all around them. Reaching towards light carried by greater men.

* * *

Magnus is away for the fortnight and he feels like screaming- he has withdrawal- he thought he'd kicked the habit but really he can never get away from Magnus long enough to do it, and he just hasn't realised how much time he's spent with Magnus, even knowing that Magnus is in the house with him must have satisfied the craving.

But he can't cope now. His mind is swirling, never sitting on one thing for more than a minute or two but he can't pick up the phone, can't let himself give in, relieve the pain.

It's happened before, when Magnus has been around but he's been able to control it, at least a little bit, he can't anymore-

But he's like this too much - and he can't take it and there's nothing to distract him and there's no one here

And he can't do a thing to get himself away from it all

Except bleed

The lines on his leg are only deep enough to sting except for one that isn't really shallow so he has to fix that-

* * *

_He's spiralling down, down, descending without control, falling-_

_Where?_

* * *

Once, one of Magnus' friends from class - the one that he's sleeping with at the time - is over and asks Alec if he's asexual because nobody has ever seen him with anyone and he just goes bright red and shakes his head and says that he just hasn't met someone he wants to do anything with him yet. Izzy, who's staying with them for a few days because she got pissed off with their parents and ran away, is laughing rather loudly beside him and Alec can tell that she's remembering the time in Senior year when he got drunk and he told her all about some of the… more  _involved_  dreams he'd had of Magnus.

Although, it's possible that she's finding it so funny because when she turned up at the house with her bags the day before last - and hadn't even checked whether Magnus was home or not (which he thankfully hadn't been) - she gave Alec a 'thank you for letting me stay' present. Of a  _dildo._

* * *

The Wednesday after Izzy arrived - she's still there even though school's on - Alec comes home from uni to find her curled up on the couch watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

He sits down beside her, a little confused, because the last time he saw Izzy watching TV it was a fashion show or a drama and shows like Buffy are the last thing he'd think she'd watch and the DVD case in front of him says that it's season three.

He's watched an entire episode by the time she opens her mouth and says; "It's all Simon's fault," but then Alec has to steal the remote and pause the show before she explains that her boyfriend got her to watch it with him at first and now she wants to know what happens and she hopes a little bit that Spike and Angel are together but also that Buffy and Spike get together and will Alec  _please play the bloody episode_.

He hasn't realised before, quite how much he missed his sister.

Magnus gets home about half an hour later and says "She's still here?" jokingly but ends up lying over their thighs and watching Buffy too, at least until the phone rings.

Alec pushes Magnus' feet off of his lap - thank god it hadn't been his head there - and gets up to answer it. A voice he doesn't recognise asks if this is the house of Alec Lightwood and he's a bit hesitant with his answer but it turns out that it's Simon who got their number from Clary who got their number from Jace and Izzy's phone isn't being picked up and he's worried. Alec heads back to the living room as he assures the relieved voice that "she's fine, Simon, she's just lazing around the house and watching Buffy-" and Magnus falls off the sofa as Izzy leaps up and dives for Alec, wrestling the phone away from him and quickly saying,

"I wasn't watching Buffy, Alec was just being an ass."

She's bright red and Alec doesn't know if he's ever seen her so embarrassed but Magnus is alternating between laughing and holding his head in pain so Alec helps him into the kitchen and gets some ice and leaves Izzy in peace.

Later Izzy comes in and smacks him because apparently Simon was glad that he'd introduced her to some more nerdiness and that since she couldn't hit him she'd hit Alec instead because it was his fault too but she has a smile on her face and love in her eyes and she lets Magnus needle her about dating a nerd all evening.

And every time she mentions Simon her face lights up and the way she spoke of him he sounded like he was completely in love with her and Alec catches himself staring at Magnus far too many times that night and his heart just clenches and rips and breaks and  _hurts_.

Izzy goes back to Worcester the next day and he's left alone in the house with Magnus and the raw experience of others' love and he feels worse than he has for a while but he has no one to blame but himself.

* * *

The paintings of  _Inferno_  have become Magnus' obsession. He spends almost every spare moment in the studio, getting whichever one he's working on perfect, swearing and cursing when he had to restart one.

Even Magnus' new boyfriend, Woolsey, isn't distracting him from them much. Alec's not sure whether to be happy about that or not, because he's not sure whether he likes the other man, and, well, he's completely jealous, but Magnus is starting to worry him, because he has a boyfriend who obviously wants him, which means that he's choosing wasting time getting angry and repainting his work over  _sex_. Over everything.

Magnus seems to take a break, takes his life back up again, upon completion of the sixth canvas.

Tombs encased in flames, burning the souls of those who scorned Christ. Tormenting them with the eternal agony that they denied the existence of.

* * *

Alec goes back to visit his family after finishing with school for the last time. Well, it's visiting his parents and Max, because Izzy in New York and Jace in LA have further to come and aren't going to be home for another few days.

He's kind of lost contact with Max, over the last year, being so caught up with everything, and with the larger age gap, but when they're making dinner one evening and are joking and laughing by themselves because their parents are still at work, Alec realises how much he loves and has missed his little brother.

Not that Max is so little anymore, being sixteen years old, but Alec's just a bit glad that he hasn't grown taller than him, because he is the elder brother after all.

They're full of food and cleaning up the dishes when he notices Max looking wistfully out of the window, and nudges him into telling him what he's thinking about.

Max's cheeks are pink and he fiddles with his glasses and fiddles with his hair before blurting out, "I wish I had someone."

Alec is confused, and it obviously shows on his face, because Max hastens to explain.

"I mean a girlfriend, because while I have friends I see you guys and you all have people- Jace and Clary, Izzy and Simon, you and Magnus-"

"Magnus and I aren't- why do you-" Alec can feel his heart beating hard in his chest because Max shouldn't know, can't know how he feels about Magnus, too many people already-

"But Izzy and Jace- they said- I can see how you look at him, Alec!"

Alec stares at his younger brother and wonders how he grew up, always knew everything so fast, because he has always been the smartest one and Alec should have expected this-

"Ah, jeez, please don't cry, Alec." As his younger brother is rushing towards him with some tissues he touches his cheek and realise that it's wet, he really is crying, and in front of his little brother of all people. The thought makes him chuckle in a painful way and Max looks at him like he's crazy when he stops laughing.

"I like him, but he doesn't like me in that way, Max. So you can't tell him. Can't tell anyone." He finishes with a hard note in his voice because Max is frowning, and though it looks as if he's unwilling to do so, he finally nods, and they go back to talking and laughing ass they did before, if rather muted.

When Alec leaves that evening, Max looks happy again, but as he looks back in the rear vision mirror, the dark haired teenager's expression is different, and Alec hates the thought that it looks like pity.

* * *

The most probable reason for Magnus' pause from painting is the fact that the final assessments are upon them in a rush and are then over.

Their education is over. The past four years of their life have come to a conclusion.

And so there is a continuous stream of parties, of course. And Alec's mind is still out of everything and he doesn't know how he managed to do well in all of his courses but he did, and now he has nothing to do but accept Magnus' invitation to parties.

They're no more interesting or fun than they were four years ago, but he goes along anyway and drinks moderately, not enough that he loses his unwillingness to do anything stupid or say anything that he doesn't want Magnus to here, but enough to dull things down and view things in a slight haze.

Ragnor has quite a few of these parties - or maybe it's simply that he has parties all of the time, because Alec's never heard anyone mention what he actually does for a living, and he gets the impression from Magnus that all Ragnor does is drink and fuck - and it's always his that people get the most intoxicated at.

Magnus- Magnus drinks but people are always drawn to him no matter their lack of sobriety, wanting to dance, to talk, to kiss, even just to watch him. And Magnus always responds, with a laugh or a slight caress or by taking another shot, grabbing hold of Woolsey's hand and climbing onto the table, pulling his boyfriend up and towards him, spreading his hands over the blonde's mostly naked chest, beginning to grind against him; just as he's doing now.

Alec can't watch them touch each other so passionately, so grabs a bottle of vodka out of the hand of someone entranced by the two on the table and walks/stumbles out of the room and into the hallway, trying to stop tears from falling by taking a swig from the bottle, and then a second.

He shouldn't be crying; Magnus isn't his never was, he shouldn't have this possessiveness. And seeing them do that, god, seeing him touch another man in that way, stroking and moving like that-

He opens a door, trying to get away from the couples that are groping each other in the hall that remind him of Magnus, and finds himself in a surprisingly empty bathroom. He closes the door and lets himself slide to the ground, placing the bottle down carefully beside him.

And places his head in his arms and sobs.

He doesn't know how long he's there, but his tears run out and he's very carefully trying to keep his mind blank when the door crashes open and he gets go his feet too quickly and his head spins.

"This isn't the cellar- Hey?"

Alec looks at the speaker in time to identify him as Ragnor before his face is right in front of him and then foreign lips are on his, hands pinning his arms to the wall, chest pressed up against his own and a leg pushing hard between his. His mouth is invaded by a tongue and it's weird but kind of good and the hands slide down over him to squeeze his ass and he can feel an erection against his thigh and the leg against his crotch is moving and-

There's a loud clinking and he's released and his mind comes rushing back and with it-

_Fuck._

_Magnus._

He presses a hand to his mouth and looks down and Ragnor has just placed the vodka bottle back upright and is straightening and their eyes meet.

"Oh fuck."

Ragnor's words remind him of his own thought and half a giggle escapes his mouth which must mean that he's insane because who would laugh right now and no wonder Magnus would never want him, he's crazy after all.

"I knew you weren't straight."

His body jerks slightly and his foot slips and he falls forward into Ragnor who holds him tight and lowers them both until they're sitting on the tiled floor and Alec feels the tears coming on  _again_.

He doesn't hear Ragnor's words until the older man shakes him, saying "Alec? Do you want me to get you a taxi?"

And Alec just nods and blows his nose on the tissues that Ragnor handed him at some point and allows himself to be pulled through the house and out into the August night air.

It's only when he's inside the car that he clutches at Ragnor's arm and begs him not to tell Magnus, and Ragnor smiles and says " _Don't worry,_ " and disappears back inside the house.

And the next day when he stumbles out of his room and into the kitchen, Magnus is there and asks if he's feeling better, and that maybe he should get into the habit of drinking more before going all out and throwing up. And Alec is surprised and grateful that Ragnor lied but he feels like he's betrayed Magnus-

No, he  _has_  betrayed Magnus and Magnus doesn't even know it

And  _shit_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can probably tell, I really enjoy being a bitch.


	7. Seventh Circle: Violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Same as last chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of The Mortal Instruments or related. It's probably a good thing, given this story…

**Seventh Circle: Violence**

It's barely been a few weeks since the party and every time Magnus comes home or gets off the phone with someone Alec expects him to come in, angry and raging because Ragnor has told him what's happened, has told him the truth.

But he doesn't.

So Alec begins to relax a little, but not enough that he doesn't flinch when there's a bang on the door late one night when Alec is alone with some statistics which he laid to the side a few hours ago and a couple of empty bottles of beer because he's not really that relaxed and Magnus has been out more and more recently.

"Hey, Alec, you there? I can't find Magnus' keys!" The voice startles and worries him because it's Ragnor and what on earth is he doing here and-

At the sound of his name again he leaps up and opens the door to see Ragnor standing there with an arm around Magnus and Magnus grins happily at Alec and pushes Ragnor away to fling his arms around Alec's neck.

"I like Alec better'n you, Rag," Magnus stumbles over his speech and Ragnor wiggled his eyebrows at Alec.

"He and Woolsey broke up so he decided to have a celebratory drink. Or seven."

"Celebratory?" Part of Alec is pleased and his jealous side is slightly satisfied but on the other hand-

"Isn't it great, Alec? I'm free! Free as a bird!"

"And also quite drunk."

"Drunk? Are you drunk, Alec?"

He raises an eyebrow at Ragnor. "And high as a kite, too?" The other man shrugs and steps backwards, out of the doorway. "Have fun!" The door closes behind him.

Alec sighs and places an arm around Magnus, who hasn't let go of his neck yet, and wishes that the only time when he gets to do this wasn't when Magnus was completely wasted.

"Alec, you didn't answer my question!"

He pulls Magnus further towards his room, trying to ignore the alcoholic fumes that are being exhaled into his face.

"Alec!"

He manages to get him through the door of Magnus' room and takes a minute to catch his breath, and possibly he has had a little too much to drink as well because things seem pretty weird.

"Alec, you're totally drunk as well, I knew it!"

He sighs. "Yes, Magnus, I'm drunk as well."

The taller man suddenly begins to rock backwards and forwards on his feet, unbalancing Alec. "I'm so smart, I'm a geniu- ahh!"

He rocks a little too much and falls, pulling Alec with him, onto the end of Magnus' bed.

By the time he's worked out what's happened, how he got there, Magnus has already brought the arms that are around Alec's neck in and their lips are touching, are moving, they're  _kissing_ , and he likes it. The hips beneath him jerk upwards and their bodies press together more firmly and he opens his moth to gasp but Magnus' tongue enters his mouth instead and the stud in it is cold and warm at the same time and he returns every movement as he's drawn further and further into the kiss.

The world tips again and he's on his back, being pushed further up the bed, and he opens his mouth to protest but he never finds out if he actually would stop Magnus because his mouth is covered again and this time Magnus fingers are searching  _his_  body this time. If they fumble more than slightly as they run over his chest, Alec doesn't care, because his mind isn't working and Magnus has begun to move his hips against his, grinding their crotches together, and Alec would be surprised at how hard they both are if he had the wits left.

Instead he slides his hands over Magnus' shoulders and into his hair and clenches his fists as Magnus spreads his shirt apart and runs his hands over his chest. Their mouths disconnect and Alec is about to make some kind of pleading sound to beg for it back again when the gorgeous lips brush against his neck instead, and he's licking there, metal ball sliding over his collarbone and shoulders, kissing and biting occasionally, and he likes this too, likes the way Magnus' hands keeps on pressing, grasping lower, until one is rubbing against his erection through his jeans.

Everything leaves him and he almost protests as he feels pressure against the front of his jeans and then they're being slid down his legs as Magnus clambers off the bed, and his underwear is gone too, his erection springing free and making him sit up, but Magnus is there again and Alec glimpses something in his eyes before their mouths smash together again and Alec's bare cock is pressed against Magnus', who has unzipped his own. He's pressed back into the bed a few minutes later, and Magnus slides back down the bed again, only to bend forward and slip his mouth down over Alec.

The sensation's far more than Alec ever imagined, all those evenings jacking off to the thought incomparable, and his fingers dig into the sheets beneath him as the lips slip off of him again.

The feeling returns as his tongue slides over the head and the end of the tongue piercing presses in and then further and further he is taken in-

And at the same moment a finger thrusts inside him.

His body jerks at the surprise intrusion and he feels Magnus' mouth cover him completely and it feels so good but it hurts and there's an oddly pleasant sensation, too, as the finger wiggles inside of him and bends to press his insides.

Magnus' mouth begins to move again, this time not leaving him and instead moving all over his erection as if exploring as the finger inside him does, leaves him unable to protest even as the pain sharpens and another finger starts to press against his hole

_He's losing his mind_

He's stretched, so open, and though Magnus' fingers feel better than his ever could it hurts so damn much, though it decreases whenever he presses against the spot inside of him that continually makes him harder, but Magnus is getting clumsier as he goes on and it takes ages to get the strength up to pull Magnus' hair hard enough that he notices and takes his head off of him.

Somehow he knows what it is that Alec wants because he's shifted but his fingers are still inside him and then their erections are pressed together and Magnus' other hand runs over them, holding them so tight. And then that sensation's gone again and his hips are lifted up, and his legs spread apart and the fingers are finally withdrawn and he feels like he's gaping open, calling for Magnus, it feels like ages pass-

He's on fire as Magnus enters, so much larger than he'd prepared for, so much more painful, making his back arch and he's not sure what kind of sound he's made, just that he's clutching the sheet for dear life. He's being invaded slowly, the pain decreasing slower than that, and the hand that's steadily stroking him isn't helping all that much except that he's still hard, still aroused, perhaps simply because it's Magnus.

It seems to take a long time for Magnus to push in all the way, filling him further than he thought possible and Alec's pulled his legs tight around him despite the pain because he needs Magnus as close as he can be whatever. But Magnus has other ideas and both hands close around his legs, prying them apart, fingertips half stroking, half scratching the underside of his thighs, curling in a little to touch where they meet.

It still hurts, where skin drags along skin, as Magnus withdraws and enters again, repeats, leaving him more each time, moving away. Magnus leans forward, slowly, slowly, and takes his mouth, and it feels good, this kiss, feels like he belongs, and at this new angle Magnus thrusts in again and is filling him so perfectly and his erection is scraped against the textured material of Magnus's top and that's good too. And everything is melding together as Magnus becomes faster and strokes him and Alec can feel his nails digging into Magnus skin and he cries out

By the time his mind reassembles itself it's over and Magnus is no longer inside him and Alec is spent too, and Magnus' arm and leg are around him and his breath is gently caressing his neck and he doesn't have the energy to get up, get out of Magnus' bed right now, so he'll just rest here for a while, comfortable, as close to Magnus as he'll ever be…

* * *

There's daylight coming through the window by the time Alec opens his eyes again and the room's not his and he doesn't understand- Until he hears the steady heartbeat behind him and feels the aching through his body and heart and remembers.

He shifts one leg out from under the sheet that he must have pulled over himself and pain tears through him, dulling quickly. But he sees the pink lines on his leg, the only recently healed scar, and pulls the sheet back over it, focusing instead on getting Magnus' arm off of him. It's hard, but he manages it, and immediately sits up.

Too soon.

He tries to control the pain within him, but it's hard, especially when Magnus is right behind him, even if that should give him more motivation. And it does, when he hears Magnus mumble something and begin to move, begin to wake up, but his concentration is broken and he has to block out everything to get a hold on himself.

"Oh god."

The two words are all it takes for Alec to lose some of his control and glance quickly behind him to see Magnus looking at him, horrified.

"Oh god, Alec… Wh- what did I do to you?"

"I…" He doesn't know if he can talk without breaking in front of Magnus, the last thing he wants to do.

"Alec, I'm sorry, oh  _god_  I'm so sorry, Alec-"

"Nothing." Somehow he can speak, manages to cut him off before Magnus can say anymore. "I- I'm going to have a shower." He wraps the sheet over his lower half carefully, is only vaguely aware of the shirt that's still hanging off his arms, and forces himself to walk away from the bed, away from Magnus, and out of the room, down the corridor to the bathroom.

He barely makes it, falling back against the door as soon as it's closed behind him, half a sob escaping his throat.

He's ruined it. Ruined everything.

* * *

When he opens the bathroom door, towel around him, he finds a neat pile of clothes sitting in front of him, no Magnus in sight, not what he was expecting - though he doesn't know what he was expecting - so he changes into them, sneaks into his room, sits down, and tries to calm himself.

He has to talk to Magnus.

He finds him in the kitchen, head in his hands, barely dressed in a mismatch of clothes, a state that Alec's never seen him in. He looks up as Alec walks in, leaping to his feet, words spilling, garbled, from his mouth.

Alec has to shake his head, grab tight hold of Magnus' hands to get him to stop, to sit down again.

"You were drunk."

"But-"

"No buts-"

"I- I did something horrible to you-"

"No!" He says it too loudly, too much emphasis. "No- it wasn't you, Magnus. You were drunk. And so was I, for that matter."

Magnus looks questioningly at him and Alec glances meaningfully towards the empty bottles on the table beside them, still unable to look Magnus in the eyes that show so much.

Magnus is running his hands through his hair again, roughly, as if he's trying to hurt himself somehow. "Being drunk doesn't excuse me-"

"Magnus!" He looks up and Alec is caught in his eyes, eyes that hold so much guilt, so much pain, and Alec can't speak for a long time. "It wasn't your fault. It was fine. It's okay."

He gives in to an impulse, a crazy feeling, and reaches out, resting his palm on Magnus' cheek. "Please just say it's okay."

Magnus nods and closes his eyes, leaning into his hand slightly, and Alec's heart grows warm and cold at the same time and shatters.

* * *

Every day kills Alec more.

Every day having betrayed and lied to him.

Every day avoiding him and knowing the guilt and pain that Magnus must feel.

He can't talk to Izzy like he did before, only replying to her texts inquiring into how he is with a 'fine' because he can't tell her what he's done, but can't lie any more than that. He's only seen Magnus in passing, when they happen to both be in the same room briefly or pass each other on the way in and out of the house. Magnus only avoids conversation because he's tentative and guilty around him, Alec knows, while he's avoiding the other man in mind and body because every time he sees him he falls a little more.

So nothing is working, and it's been a month and Izzy has started calling him, but he ignores her and she calls the landline in the house instead and he ignores those too. But then because she can't come herself, being in New York, one day she sends Simon, who's studying at MIT, who knocks on the door when only Alec is home, who sits in his room, just sitting there in silence while Simon calls through the door, until he goes away.

He gets angry texts from Izzy after that, who threatens to visit him if he doesn't tell her what's going on but he ignores them and he doesn't know what to do.

* * *

Alec hears the front door open but doesn't look up from his work, unable to keep his feelings from his face. Magnus slumps down in the seat opposite him at the table.

"Alec?"

"Hmmm?"

"Alec, can I talk to you?"

Alec stops pretending to write bullshit and tries to figure out his options.

"Can we talk later? There's this thing-"

"I need to talk to you."

Alec drops his pen and looks up into Magnus' angry green-gold eyes.

The look disappears and Magnus sighs. "I'm sorry, it's just- I talked to Ragnor today."

Alec's hand clenches involuntarily for a second and looks away, unable to handle his friend's piercing gaze.

"He asked if we'd finally got over our tiff."

Alec feels his eyes widen and looks back up at Magnus and feels caught.

"Before he realised that I was confused, he told me that you'd kissed him, and… Just over a month ago, at his party He thought we'd been dating and had a fight and I had been dating Woolsey to get back at you."

Alec can't breathe. "I-" He chokes on his words.

"Why didn't you tell me, Alec?" He doesn't wait for Alec to answer. "Tell me that you were gay, or at least not straight, that you'd kissed Ragnor, that you don't really seem to mind who you fuck?"

"I-"

"You made me live through  _hell_ , Alec. I thought I'd  _raped_  you, that I'd hurt you how no one should be hurt and you were just too nice to tell me. And now Ragnor tells me that you weren't drunk, you were holding me up, which means if I'd really tried to do that you could have pushed me away."

Alec feels sick, because he knows this, he knows this all to well and Magnus is saying it and he hates him and-

"So were you fucking drunk or not, Alec? Tell me!"

The last two words are screamed at him, loud enough that his mouth opens and the words that he doesn't want to say tumble out.

"Yes, when I opened the door that night I wasn't drunk! I was pleasantly tipsy enough to think that-"

"That you could get away with seeing what fucking me was like?"

Alec feels a stab of pain in his heart and can't take it anymore. Grabbing the taller man by his shirt he forces him backwards until they're standing up against the wall.

_To think that it was a good idea, to once, just once, know what it feels like to be loved by the boy I've been falling in love with since he smiled back at me with a smudged face and his goddamn smile that makes me feel beautiful. The one that I've been too fucking cowardly to tell the truth to ever since then._

But he can't say it, pour all of his soul and watch as Magnus drops it in disgust.

"Okay! All I wanted was to see what fucking you was like. Happy now?" He lets go and steps backwards, forces himself to keep his eyes fixed on the other man while the anger drains out of the gold green eyes. It's only when they're completely cold that he can stop punishing himself, looking away from the beautiful face that has such revulsion etched into it, and walk, while his heart screams at him to run as fast as he can, out of the kitchen and into his room, closing the door softly and locking it with a quiet click.

And then, only then, in the privacy of his room, with only his tormented thoughts for company, can he let a tear slip down his cheek.

He presses play on his stereo, letting the first strains of a mournful air fill the room.

He can't seem to move very much anymore, so he lets himself collapse into the chair at his desk. He stares at the bright white of the paper in from of him, so pure and full of worth and potential. So emotionless.

What he'll never be.

The urge to destroy clutches him and he grabs a pen, setting it to the paper, letting the black ink slowly leech out while he pauses, wondering if this is a good idea.

But who cares, anyway?

Alec begins to write.

Every thought that comes to his head gets scribbled down. How he aches, even more than he has for most of the last seven years, even more than he has after knowing the part of Magnus he had never seen. Knowing that Magnus hated him, oh  _god_  it felt like fire was turning his heart to ash, because  _what kept him alive can't do so any longer, won't do so - will never stop burning until he is dead._  Magnus will never again smile at him; smile that gorgeous little smile that made his breath catch, or roll his eyes when someone has said something stupid. He'll never laugh with him again, Alec will never be able to watch, entranced, as he brushes his hair back over his shoulder.

There was so much of Magnus that he loved. That he loves. All of him. And  _fuck_  it hurt not to have even an inch anymore. He used have a little, at least. The part of Magnus that, as a friend, he had a right to.

And why the hell couldn't he be satisfied with that?

Alec's grip on the pen tightens and he stops writing for a second as anger floods him.

_Everything is gone. Everything he had, lost, for his sins._

He feels liquid on his fingers and looks down to see the pen broken, ink spilling onto the page and his hand.

He drops the pen to the side and begins to dig through the drawer beside him for another, not really paying much attention until a sharp pain brings him out of his daze. He brings his hand back over the page in time to see a drop of blood well from a slit in his finger, mingle with the ink and fall to the page, where it spreads and stains in a mix of crimson and ebony.

Alec looks inside the drawer, properly, this time, and sees his knife just lying there, showing no sign of the injury that it has caused. His fingers itch to reach out, take it, press it to his skin once more-

But instead he forces himself to pick up the pen beside it and put it to the paper again.

And he thinks of the memories of Magnus that he holds, all those tiny huge moments that his life is comprised of. And he realises that without Magnus, he doesn't exist. Everything that has shaped him since he was fifteen years old has been Magnus, in some way or another. Not a part of him doesn't belong to the beautiful man.

And Alec knows that even if he could change that, he probably wouldn't.

Time isn't an issue anymore, he doesn't know how long it's taken to fill up page after page with his scrawl, letting himself pour out into the paper, which maybe he can burn tomorrow. But it's done, he has written the most important things in his life, and every page is littered with Magnus' name.

And he has nothing.

And it's that realisation that breaks the dam, that has him finally reaching for the knife.

* * *

The pain is everywhere by now, creeping up through his neck to settle under his scalp, but pulling at his hair can't stop it, never stops it. It's like an itch that has pressed itself right up against his skin, but no matter how he tries to reach it, it never goes away, he can never tear it out. The knife works better than his fingernails, though. It's cleaner, it doesn't set his mind to screaming at the area around, just slices neatly a few millimetres inside of him, swirling around and around on his arm.

He can breathe for a minute or two, the need lessened slightly, before it slams back into him. He clutches the blade of the knife by accident and the sharp edges slices the top of his palm open a little. The bright red blood hazes his mind, and by the time he gets some semblance of order back in his head there's a thin film of blood over both arms where it has smeared and he can't see any of it properly, but he has to balance his head on his hands for a minute because everything's so goddamn confusing.

Alec unbuttons his jeans and slides them far enough down his thighs that he has a largish expanse of thigh that he can see, and presses the knife against himself again there. He idly remembers how the girl in one of Magnus' classes, so talented and sad looking, did one painting of a fiery angel, and he wonders how one would go about drawing an angel,  _really_ , but he loses track of the thought. He feels empty now, all the energy and anger and frightened thoughts and love and passion and self is gone, and he can place the knife back on the desk.

But somehow, with all that gone, he still somehow has just a tiny trace of Magnus left, but he's too tired to fight it anymore, so he lets himself take hold of it.

* * *

"Alec? I'm coming in!"

He hears the words through a daze, a cloud of smoke hanging over everything, the crash that sounds quickly after dulled and not quite real.

"Alec!" An image of Magnus swims in from of him and he reaches out a hand, strokes the vision's cheek, and his hand almost slips and is held onto by Magnus, who sobs his name.

_It's okay, Magnus, it's okay._


	8. Escape?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the epilogue.
> 
> This chapter is from Magnus' POV, btw.
> 
> Warnings: Sexual themes, self-harm.
> 
> Disclaimer: We all should be glad that I don't own this and therefore this is not canon.

**Escape?**

_I love him_.

Sometimes Magnus finds himself doodling the words all over paper, because his mind is on Alec. It's surprising he doesn't do it more often, really, seeing that his mind is  _always_  on Alec.

It seems like it has been forever.

Nothing in his memory is clear from before he met him. As if the moment he saw him sitting in that classroom brought everything into focus, like he'd just put on glasses that he didn't know he needed.

He's not sure if he believes in love at first sight, but he certainly didn't at the time, just thought that he was beautiful and he wanted to get to know him.

And then he did get to know him and he was impossibly more beautiful in his personality and thoughts and – everything, it seemed like. And since then his life slowly became more and more about Alec.

Telling him about his sexuality was hard – not because he was afraid that Alec would reject him for it, he knew that Alec would have no problem with it – but because Alec might or might not say the same thing back. If Alec were interested in guys, there would definitely be the possibility that Alec wasn't attracted to him; he wasn't so full of himself not to know that. But there would be the possibility that he was, and there's really nothing Magnus wants more than to be able to have Alec, to keep him close forever, to be able to declare that he loves him to the world.

But if Alec isn't interested in guys- Magnus will have to live with that secret love for a long time. He knows that it's not going away anytime soon. But at least he won't have to live with it and see Alec with other guys. At least he'll know it's not the fact that it's  _him_ , it's that he's a guy. It's a small consolation.

And Alec just says that it's okay. Makes a joke. Doesn't notice his crappy attempt at telling him the truth, that he's interested in Alec.

It's probably for the best, anyway.

And life goes on.

* * *

It's kind of hard, at first, to date someone else. Especially when he sees the confusion on Alec's face when he introduces him to Dia, like he'd expected it to be a guy.

And then Alec is kind of cool towards her, and acts all weird around Magnus, and he wonders- He wonders that maybe, just maybe-

But then he manages to convince Dia to ask out  _her_  best friend, the one that  _she's_  in love with, and so they 'break up', even though they weren't actually dating in the first place, just trying to keep Dia's fellow cheerleaders off the scent of her sexuality until she was confident in it – and Alec is still acting kind of weird, so it can't have been anything like he let himself think for a second.

It seems like things go back to normal after the dance, except that he regrets his making Alec dance, because that was too much, seeing him move like that.

* * *

Sometimes Magnus gets annoyed at his other 'friends' – the ones who interrupt him when he's talking to Alec, the ones that don't seem to understand their friendship, some of whom make jokes about what they think it really is – at least until Magnus threatens their lives. They generally stop after that.

Ragnor's one of the not so bad ones – he just kind of ignores people who he doesn't feel like talking to, but if Alec's there sometimes he'll talk to him, which has caused Magnus to warn him off of him because Alec isn't interested, but it turned out okay – and he's mostly just horny and that's fine with Magnus because Ragnor isn't that bad looking.

But it's surprising when they're just kind of hanging out one day and Ragnor stops kissing him and says "Hey, we should be official." Magnus is shocked for a second before Ragnor continues. "Like, fuck buddies."

"Why?"

"Because you're hot."

"I'll have to think about it."

And that's that, and although it was probably a bad idea to ask Alec's opinion, he does, because he feels like he needs to get permission to do this, and Alec is quite obviously shocked, but says that it's fine with him after Magnus has given some bullshit explanation – well, it's partly true, but that's not why he's asking if its okay – and teased Alec a little bit because it's adorable when he turns red.

And while, he has to admit, how Alec first sees him and Ragnor together wasn't ideal, things seem okay.

Ragnor is a good guy, essentially, and Magnus enjoys being with him as much as possible, but he isn't Alec. So it feels weird, and he feels guilty but he has to try something, try to get over this.

It doesn't work.

When Ragnor leaves it's a strange kind of relief that he feels, but he's still in love with Alec, that hasn't changed, except for the usual getting stronger with every minute that he sees him, hears him, thinks about him.

And he's just so damn thankful that Alec isn't dating anyone, hasn't dated anyone, that he's still free enough that Magnus can sometimes pretend that Alec is all his, and he finds his boundaries extending, finds he has the confidence to keep himself cool as he tries to subtly flirt, tries to show Alec his true self.

And while sure, he catches Alec looking at him as if he's wondering something, and maybe it was a bad idea, in some way it feels like it's working or something, and Alec certainly doesn't push him off when Magnus feels like touching him. It does make him feel like a complete pervert though, using his friend's trust against him-

It feels like he's getting somewhere.

He should have learnt not to hope.

* * *

From the moment that he sees Camille he knows that she's going to cause trouble, and it's cemented all the more as she speaks.

He doesn't like the way she looks at Alec. Doesn't like the smile she makes as her gaze flicks between them.

And he doesn't like the way that Alec looks at him, says that he can go with her if he wants to, but why would he want to when he can stay with Alec?

It's all he can think about, after he's pulled Alec away from her cruel eyes, how much he needs to protect the other teenager, protect himself. What she could be planning, because he hasn't seen her in over a year, even though she lives in the same city, so why is she here now.

And he can't concentrate on what Alec's saying, he tries to listen but soon he can't hear because what does she want?

" _It's nothing important, Magnus, I just haven't seen you. And your friend-"_

" _What does Alec have to do with anything?"_

" _I just find him interesting, Magnus. I'm not threatening you, as much as you seem to think I am. It's not like I would tell him something you don't want him to know."_

He never should have listened, should have walked away then, because after they'd talked, the more she saw him, the more she knew, the more power she had over him.

The next time that she turns up at their school he delays as long as he can, asking Alec about insignificant things, until there's nothing left and he has to go, without kissing Alec or telling him that every thing is going to be fine, like he wants to.

Somehow she knows how he feels for Alec. Nobody has guessed before, no one, but she does, and she uses it, holding like a sword of Damocles over his head, the truth which would ruin everything.

And he thinks that Alec seems strange, but the thought of Camille is keeping him away and it hurts so much, not being near him again, but he's so afraid that everyone will see.

Magnus knows that everyone he knows thinks that the relationship is unhealthy, as he knows it is, he can see it in their faces when her name is mentioned. He knows that other people think that he's too blinded by her to see what she's doing to him, that she's pulling him down brick by brick.

Frankly he thinks that Izzy was pretty close when he overheard her say, "Pamela Hill could learn a thing or two from her, Camille has 'the systematic destruction of a human being' down to a fine art."[1]

And he figures, well, if she's keeping this going because she finds it interesting or fun to fuck with him, well, then he'll become boring.

And he separates himself from things, goes along with whatever she says, until she finally gets bored and lets him alone. But now, things are different, and they won't be the same as they were before. Not ever.

He's lost his only chance.

* * *

Painting soothes him. Painting lets him free his emotions, admit to all of his feelings, pour them into canvas after canvas, all of the love and hope earlier on, the thought that Alec might see how he feels and this tiny chance that it could be reciprocated, even if its only in his dreams.

But as time passes, some of those feelings die away, leave the despair and anger and fear that Alec will leave, one day Alec will see and leave him forever.

The  _Inferno_  project helps, gives him an outlet, this portrayal of the worst of humanity and a place to push the bad things, that worst that he knows reside in him, for being this awful person, friend to Alec, somewhere he can place even the tiniest hint of hurt and hide it behind a smile.

And the paintings do give him a goal, give him a purpose, a source of joy when he has completed one, an obsession that isn't Alec.

* * *

He's starting to get really worried about Alec now.

He doesn't know when his best friend last smiled. He can't remember it. Oh, he remembers how he looks, but it feels like that memory's far off in the distant past.

He's always been pale, but at least his cheeks would become pink when he smiled, when he was embarrassed, when he was annoyed about something or other. But Magnus hasn't seen that rosy flush in a long time, no matter the cause, and it seems like every day more colour drains from Alec's cheeks, face, skin, and the edges of his mouth come nowhere near a smile.

At first he thinks it's the stress of their final examinations, the culmination of their schooling. But then when everybody's partying and laughing and being stupid, he sees Alec and he's not, he's just drifting farther away.

Magnus tries to catch him.

Late one evening when Alec's visiting his home the phone rings, and he picks it up to find Max speaking. His mind jumps immediately to that something's wrong, but the teenager assures him that Alec's okay, he's on his way back to the city, he's calling about something else.

"Look after him, Magnus. Promise me that you'll take care of him."

The words surprise him, but obviously it's not just him that thinks there's something wrong with Alec.

"I will. I promise."

He will do everything he can to try and bring Alec to life again.

He drags him out to parties, but he still doesn't know how to help-

He's supposed to be Alec's best friend, he loves this boy – and he doesn't know how to make him happy.

So he drinks, because he doesn't know what else to do. And he does things with Woolsey because he's stupid and he still doesn't know what to do, and he can't to do things with Woolsey because he's not Alec, and so his boyfriend gives up on him and dumps him and says that Magnus has betrayed him enough by being in love with someone else and Magnus is happy because he's not betraying Alec anymore.

And he drinks in celebration with Ragnor, which is never a good idea.

And a nightmare comes true the next morning, his only personal hell, in the shape of Alec's shoulders when he wakes and sees him sitting there on his bed, sees the all too apparent pain.

He feels like dying, because what he's done-

And not being able to remember it is good and bad because he can't remember it but he deserves the pain the remembering it would give him.

And Alec looks at him sadly and says that it's okay. That it's  _okay_. Which implies that everything is okay when nothing is okay and everything is falling to pieces around him, this carefully built world, and Alec acts like nothing's happening and it's normal for him to avoid him and Magnus is getting really wound up by it and drinks some more.

* * *

_He finds it hard to continue the seventh painting, the forest of trees that bleed and scream and cry for all the hurt that the world has done them, that the world has caused them to do._

* * *

And Alec is never there and one day when only Magnus is home there's a ring a the door and he opens it to see a vaguely familiar face that he realises is Simon who says that Izzy is worried because Alec hasn't talked to her for a bit and Magnus knows that it's all his fault and Alec is so close to Izzy and he gets why he wouldn't tell her what Magnus has done because Alec is a beautiful person who doesn't know when to push people away when they've hurt him and betrayed his trust like Magnus has and there's more wrong than usual, there must be.

And then Ragnor notices that he's  _fucking out of his mind_  and shatters his illusion of a world again.

"I'm sorry about my party, you know, I didn't mean to mess you guys up if I did, I mean you haven't been speaking to me and you look like Hell right now, we didn't mean to kiss, it was my fault, not Alec's, I don't think he meant to respond to it-"

But the worst bit is when he's about to punch Ragnor and-

"You can't expect him not to go for other guys when you're having a tiff, someone that hot, that passionate – I mean I get why you made everyone else keep their hands off of him now-"

He leaves Ragnor curled up on the ground, his ex-friend with blood gushing from his nose and the pain of a kick to the balls because he's too angry to let himself go all out on the person who did just inform him that Alec wasn't drunk the night that-

He's too angry to get some of his words straight, he thinks, when he confronts Alec, but the other man just pulls his heart right out of his chest and rips it open in front of him as he confirms everything. And Magnus doesn't even care if he knows it anymore.

Admits that he's lied to him for almost seven years, admits that he's toyed with him, that he's-

And part of Magnus still thinks that something's wrong here, but all that's wrong is that he still loves him, still wants to beg for Alec's forgiveness, will wants to hold him so tight. But all he wants his Alec. No matter what's happened.

When Alec runs from the room, Magnus wants to follow. When Alec slams the bedroom door behind him, Magnus wants to break it down and ask him to just take it back, to lie; he doesn't care, as long as Alec might consider him.

Magnus knows that he'd give Alec everything he asks for, even now.

But music starts and Magnus is still standing in the kitchen. And he's not crying, but he's not sure why because everything is gone. It really is gone, this time.

Eventually he sits down on the floor, back up against the kitchen wall, only the hallway and the walls between him and Alec's room, the closest he can let himself go for fear of screaming through Alec's door.

He loses himself in the music, which repeats over and over; so much that he comes to know the solemn sound intimately. Which he shouldn't be, because surely Alec must come out sometime soon, if it's been so long. He finds his leg jiggling, his hand tapping, and worry washes over him, which he shouldn't be doing, because Alec just broke his heart, so shouldn't he be somewhere else right now?

He stands up, lets his feet move to in front of the door, and knocks quietly, calling Alec's name in a small voice. There's no answer, not a yell to go away, not a sound other than the music. So maybe he needs to speak louder, but soon he's banging on the door as loud as he can and shouting and there's still nothing, and he can't stand it, surely there's something wrong, but nothing can be wrong, nothing can be worse than right now-

He throws himself against the door, again and again, and it crashes open.

He stumbles to a halt a metre inside the room, having learnt something new.

_Everything can get worse._

He drops at Alec's feet, gaze running over his arms, his leg, the blood covering them, and jump back to his face, to the blood smears there, and  _what has he done_.

"Alec!"

He smiles and reaches out a hand towards him, and Magnus feels a sob break through him as the palm, wet with blood, touches his cheek. He grabs it, holds it to him, and

No, no, no, no no no no no

"It's okay, Magnus, it's okay."

He barely hears the words, like a breath issuing from Alec's mouth, and then the blue eyes close and hand he's pressing to his face slips

"It's not okay, Alec! It's never okay!"

He finds himself shouting at him, standing up and shaking Alec's shoulders. "You can't leave me, Alec. Not now. You can't leave me, you idiot! I love you!"

He pulls his phone from his pocket even as he embraces him, but it's hard to hold, keeps slipping because his hands are covered in blood – Alec's blood.

He manages to pull it out, dial for an ambulance, gabble out their address as he tries to- he doesn't know what he can do, and just ends up holding Alec, because he can't let him go for fear that he'll slip away-

He doesn't know what he's saying, just Alec, Alec, Alec…  _I love you_  is all that is running through his mind.

Alec's eyes open again, slowly, slowly, until Magnus is staring deep into the pools of blue, clouded.

"Are you just saying that?" He almost misses the whisper.

"What?"

"Or do you mean it? You don't have to say it if you don't love me-"

"I love you. I mean it. I really do, I have for so long- No, Alec, stay with me-"

"It'll be fine, Magnus."

There's a smile on his lips as his eyes close again.

* * *

_And I caught you, and I brought you here…_

_Didn't I, didn't I, Didn't I?_ [2]

* * *

[1] The Major and the Minor, 1942

[2] The Hazards of Love 4 (The Drowned) - The Decemberists

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to The Decemberists while writing this and it made it hurt even more.
> 
> Thank you all for reading :)


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is finished.
> 
> Ever since I started writing this story, about 5 or 6 months ago, it has been my baby. So much of it all was my mind, probably too much, but this story has been so important, even if it was small, and it's hard to post the last of it. But thank you, every singe one of you, for reading and reviewing and enjoying it and hating it and me. And now that I'm done, even if I'm writing other stories now, this is still my baby, and so it means a lot that you are reading it. Thank you.
> 
> So I'm writing other things, but it might be a while until I post anything due to school being a bitch, and there won't be a sequel to this - in my mind, no matter how lame this ending is, it is the end of their story, and I can't write this version of them any more. (I'm fairly sure. Don't expect anything.) And with all the other stories in my head, I have plenty of things to do.
> 
> So thank you, every single one of you amazing readers.
> 
> Disclaimer: We all get it, belongs to CC.
> 
> I hope that you enjoy the final instalment of The Descent.

**Epilogue:**

In the hospital they are finally left alone, Alec in a bed in an uncomfortable hospital gown, his wounds bandaged and the stark white room only broken up by Magnus' dark clothed form.

The sound of machines whirring and other people around is even worse than he imagines silence would be, but he doesn't have the guts to speak yet, and he doesn't know what he would say anyway.

"Why?"

He stares at Magnus, who isn't looking at him, for a long minute.

"Why what?"

"Why did you try to-" He pauses and swallows before looking up at Alec, and he can finally see the pain that's in his eyes. "Kill yourself."

"I wasn't, I- I just- Did you mean what you said, before? Or did you just read it and think-"

"Read? What?"

"That you- you love me." He clenches a hand beneath the sheets, steeling himself.

"That I- Alec, I've loved you since practically the moment I saw you, spoke to you." The other man stands up, moves to beside the bed. "And I don't know what to do, I don't know why- I just know that I was wrong, so terribly wrong, everything I said-" His voice cracks and Alec reaches for one of his hands, grips it tight.

"You didn't read the things I wrote?"

"No, I don't- I just know- I couldn't live without you, Alec, and I can't let you go, and god I'm sorry and-"

"I wasn't trying to kill myself!"

He surprises himself somewhat with the outburst, and they stare at each other. "Sit down?" As Magnus' hand begins to slip from his, he squeezes it tight, unwilling to let go. "Beside me?"

Magnus moves the chair obediently and sits down, wrapping his free hand around their joined ones.

It takes a while for him to gather his thoughts properly, but he manages it, and when he glances to the side again, Magnus is still watching with what might be hope in his eyes.

"I-" He takes a deep breath and looks away. "I feel so out of everything. I don't know what it is. And then I feel like crap, I get scared, and angry because I'm scared, and then goddamn terrified of everything in myself. I want destroy things, my room, the possessions,  _myself_ , and then I'm too much of a bloody coward that I can't get a knife out and do it, or even scratch my skin until I bleed." He pauses for another breath and becomes aware of the clutching hold on his hand but he can't look at Magnus yet, his heart is hurting too much.

"I just want to get out of here, my skin, my fucked up mind." He tries not to hear the strangled cry that comes from Magnus, tries not to let it affect him. "I want to rip it all away, Magnus, scrape everything off, empty me, until all that left is the memory," A choking gasp bursts out of him as he finally looks up, and sees tears falling from Magnus eyes, same as the ones falling from his own. "The feeling of you touching me,  _loving_  me, because that's the only goddamn good thing that's ever happened."

He finds himself wrapped in Magnus' arms, held tightly against his chest and he cries in to Magnus' shirt, and he can feel Magnus' tears running into his hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, oh Alec, I'm sorry…"

* * *

When they go home a day later Magnus treats him carefully, and it seems like he can't bear to leave Alec for too long, because he doesn't, and when he does it's only ever for a few minutes, but it's fine with Alec because he needs Magnus near him just for some kind of comfort. And it is comforting and Magnus holds him and occasionally will stop whatever he's doing and place a quick kiss on his forehead or something and it's so nice having a hand running through his hair or over his arm.

Eventually he catches Magnus glancing toward the hallway, and the bedrooms, and he remembers how he was writing. And he's not sure what it all was, really, and he's not sure whether it makes any sense but part of him does what Magnus to read it, does want Magnus to know what he was thinking, so he tells Magnus that he can look at it if he wants and Magnus kisses his lips gently before fetching the papers, which Alec is horrified to see are stained with ink and  _his blood_.

They sit on the couch and Alec settles himself with his legs over Magnus' lap and half leaning against him, and pulls a blanket over them because he's kinda cold, and Magnus kisses him again before beginning to read. Alec can't bring himself to read, he's not ready to relive those thoughts, and so he sits and listens to Magnus' heart and the rustle of paper and the beginning of Magnus' sobs.

It hurts to hear it, to listen to the sound and he wants to take it away, stop him from reading it, but Magnus needs to know.

A couple of times Magnus stops because he can't read any further, puts the pages down, and embraces him, kisses him, strokes his face and apologises, and Alec doesn't know what to say or do but just kisses him back, as if reminding him that he's here, that he's fine.

But there's words that they both say, that they both mean, the words that escape him with every breath and the pours into every touch and kiss.

_I love you._

* * *

Izzy calls up and she sounds relieved when Alec answers, but he can't tell her what happened, so he just says that he was annoyed with Magnus because he was being annoying and she sounds like she doesn't believe him but she doesn't exactly question it either, so it's all okay.

* * *

Being with Magnus is as natural as breathing, waking up with him, talking with him, texting little tiny things throughout the day. He can't help but smile, every time he thinks of his boyfriend, because it's  _Magnus_  and he loves him and things are beautiful.

For once life is truly good.

For once he's truly alive.

* * *

He likes feeling Magnus' breath on his neck when he wakes up in the morning, likes feeling his calming heartbeat at the beginning of the day.

He likes the way he finds their fingers trailing over each other, lingering, unwilling to break contact. He likes the way they can curl up together at night when they're watching TV and the natural way that Magnus will brush his fringe out of his eyes sometimes, or straighten his clothes even if they don't need it. How Magnus relaxes into him when he hugs him from behind, when he's in his studio looking tense over some work.

How Magnus looks at him with those eyes of his and Alec can feel loved and wanted and known and so much else until he wants to stay looking into them forever.

Alec likes the mornings when they can have a long shower together, when Magnus touches him gently, as if he's a piece of fragile china, but each touch makes him gasp-

And he spreads the soap over Alec's skin so carefully, and washes it off, and runs his fingers and lips over Alec's arms and legs, kissing so softly the thin raised lines that litter his pale skin and the care of the actions and the love in Magnus' eyes makes Alec cry, and when Magnus steps away from the spray and takes him into his arms he can see that he is too.

* * *

Alec traces the hand lying across his chest idly, slowing as he comes to the fourth digit with its golden band. He runs his thumb over it, still hardly able to believe-

The hand flips over and grabs his, making him yelp, and he feels a soft chuckle before Magnus' lips brush against the back of his neck. "Good morning, gorgeous."

The lips brush against his ear and the bed dips slightly behind him, making him roll over as Magnus' chest moves and suddenly they're face to face, Alec caught between Magnus' legs and the other's eyes are dancing as he brings their linked right hands up to his mouth and kisses Alec's gently. "Admiring the ring?" Alec feels himself flushing and twists his hand from Magnus' grip, only to pull his hand closer and press a kiss to Magnus' hand in return.

"Yes."

* * *

_Alec is nervous as he leads Magnus into his bedroom. They sleep here every night since… What happened, but it's been a month already and he feels like he should show Magnus this._

_He makes Magnus sit on the bed and to stay there and digs around at the back of his wardrobe until he finds the box that he's looking for and then brings it out and sits it on the bed between them. He sighs before slowly pushing the cardboard flaps covering the contents back._

_Magnus looks curious._

_"This… He looks down at his hands and Magnus grabs them, holding them tight, giving him the courage to look back up at him. "This is all of the stuff that I have collected over the years. When you went to Indonesia - I didn't know what to do - I saw things that reminded me of you - I bought them - I don't know, it's probably mostly really strange, you-"_

_Magnus has gone pale and squeezes his hands extra tight for a second before leaping off the bed and out of the room and Alec just looks after him confusedly. There's a short bang and then Magnus reappears, his hair mussed and he's carrying a large, rather flat box._

_He jumps back onto the bed and places his box next to Alec's, who finally realises what's going on and can't help but giggle at the two of them. Magnus joins in as he takes lid off his box and then grabs Alec by the chin and pulls him forward into a long kiss._

_"We really were idiots, weren't we."_

_Alec begins to nod but he sees the contents of the box and it's paintings and sketches and he picks them up one by one and stares at Magnus in wonder and for the first time that Alec can actually remember, Magnus is bright red, full on blushing. "They're beautiful, Magnus. They're… They're the most incredible things I've ever seen."_

_Magnus reaches up and slides a palm onto Alec's cheek. "They're for you. Whenever I was thinking of you, I'd…"_

_Alec looks back down at the box, where there are pieces of paper of all shapes and sizes. "There are so many…"_

_"There are more in another box. These were the best. Some of the less personal ones worked their way into my folio, I'm afraid. And…" As he trails off, Alec looks back at his rather sheepish face. "If you won't get mad at me-"_

_"Magnus." Alec moves backwards and Magnus looks stricken, and then happy again as Alec crawls around the two large boxes and sits back again next to Magnus leaning up against the pillows._

_"Tessa saw one of the drawings by accident and she didn't realise until later, when she'd already shown it to the teacher and then he wouldn't let me pull it out of the art show-"_

_"The hands?" Alec feels a little dizzy at the thought. "The drawing that won that fucking major prize?"_

_Magnus cringes. "Yeah…"_

_"Oh my god." Alec runs his hand through his hair. "You won a prize with my hands."_

_"Hey, I drew them." Magnus smirks briefly. "It's okay, though? You're not annoyed that I didn't tell you?"_

_"God- Magnus- No! I was jealous of those hands!" He can't think- "Magnus, I love you."_

_Magnus stares at him for a long moment before leaning in and pressing their lips together gently. "I love you too."_

_Alec's kind of tempted to push all of the stuff off of the bed and kiss Magnus some more, but he really wants to see all of the art now, so he reluctantly sits up and begins to look through the papers. Here and there he finds small objects; a blue marble in a clear plastic box, a bow and arrow charm, a small wooden box with a tiny little clasp holding it closed…_

_Magnus gives a loud gasp just as Alec is about to open it and snatches it away._

_He looks at his boyfriend, confused, for a minute, as Magnus' hands twist around the object, shaking slightly._

_"I-"_

_It's shoved back into his hands and Magnus looks away, fingers fiddling with each other, unable to keep still._

_Alec looks back down at the box and opens it slowly. The first thing his mind registers is the dark shine of a silvery metal, shaped in a ring and sitting flat on a pad of satiny material. He can't take his eyes off of it, but finally takes it between his fingers and sees the stylised sun, the twisting braid of flames, and it seems familiar._

_He looks back up at Magnus in shock. "This is the ring from the drawing."_

_"Of course." Magnus has a kind of sad smile on his face. "When I drew that picture- it was an ideal. My fantasy. What I wanted most - your hands on me, my ring on your finger."_

_Alec's mouth opens and shuts, unable to vocalise._

_"If you don't want it, I understand, it's not professionally made and I'm probably getting ahead of myself, I've just loved you for so long and-"_

_"No!" Magnus looks away at his words and Alec realises what he's said. "No- I want it, it's beautiful, and I love you and that you want me to have it-" He breaks off and looks down at the hand that's clenched around the ring. "I- mine's-" He runs his fingers over it, inside- "Is that writing inside?"_

_Magnus' hand closes over his like lightning and slips the ring from his hand before he can actually read it._

_"You can't read the inscription."_

_Alec tries to frown, but a smile continues to creep onto his face. "Why not? I thought this ring was for me?"_

_Magnus blushes for what must be the hundredth time, and mumbles, "Because it's lame."_

_"I think I get to decide that for myself, thank you." He holds out his hand for the ring, but instead of placing the ring in it, Magnus flips it over and sets the ring at the edge of his ring finger. Magnus hands are shaking as he slides the ring on. "'et lux in tenebris lucet.'"_

_It fits. "And light in the darkness shines…" He withdraws his hand from Magnus' to place both palms to his boyfriend's cheeks. "You're that to me, you know. The only light in my darkness."_

_Magnus leans forward, pressing their lips together in an almost urgent kiss, and Alec lets himself go into it, lets his emotion control him. He needs this affirmation, needs Magnus to hold him tight._

_And he does._

_Magnus is still tentative about touching him, still caressing him gently, as if afraid that he might break. Alec understands why he does so, but god he wishes he wouldn't._

_The fingers that slide beneath his shirt are as careful as ever, but they do leave him gasping for air much sooner than he would like, but he supposes that it's for the best given that he has something that must do as well, before he's too distracted by Magnus._

_By the time he's managed to find what he's looking for in the box, Magnus is looking thoroughly confused, even more so when Alec rather reluctantly opens his hand to reveal a small china cat. Magnus takes it, quickly finding the edge of the lid and opening the container. Although Alec is carefully watching for his reaction, he barely sees the smile that spreads across his boyfriend's face before he's knocked backwards by the kiss that is bestowed on him._

_Magnus looks down at him from where he's leaning on his forearms, holding himself up inches from Alec's face. "You bought me a ring?"_

_He nods, blushing again._

_"When?"_

_"Just after you brought Chairman Meow home. I saw it and thought of you, if you don't like it it's fine, I-"_

_"I love it." Magnus rolls to the side, but tugging Alec with him until he's lying half on top of him._

_"You're not just-"_

_"I love it, because it's beautiful and because you've given it to me. And I am fully aware of how cheesy that must sound." The arm around Alec's stomach squeezes him. "I love you."_

_Despite the number of times he has heard them, the words always give a thrill, and this time the bareness, the lack of adornments that sometime litter Magnus' speech makes it even better. He can hear the truth._

_And accept it._

_He can't do anything else but smile, lay his head on Magnus' chest, listen to the pounding heartbeat that jumps as he places his left hand over his boyfriend's._

_"I'm glad you like it." He shifts upwards until his head is level with Magnus'._

_"Will you put it on?"_

_Magnus laughs at his embarrassment, at his red face, but leans closer and kisses his forehead, cheeks, nose, chin, until he can look at him again._

_"Sorry…"_

_"I promise that I'll try not to squeal too excitedly."_

_"I don't even know if it'll fit on your finger-"_

_"Just try?"_

_He takes the ring, takes hold of Magnus' right hand just as he had done with him, and looks back at his boyfriend, sees the green-gold eyes shining and almost loses courage._

_But somehow it slides onto the fourth digit just fine and it gives him such a rush to see that ring on the long finger, like Magnus is his. Only his._

_"I love you."_

* * *

At Thanksgiving they know they have to visit home, but part of Alec just wants to stay with Magnus, spend this time in private, together.

The drive home is quiet, but whenever Magnus doesn't need both hands on the wheel he lets one rest in Alec's, a fact that makes him smile, and squeeze it tightly.

He's confused for a second as Magnus pulls over a few streets from their house, but understands when he Magnus turns to him and pulls him closer so that he can hold him closer to kiss.

It takes a while to gather the will to pull away, to remind Magnus that they're already running late.

"It's not that I don't want to tell them, it's because I want to keep you to myself a while longer. You know that, right?"

Magnus stops using the rear view mirror to fix his hair from the 'mess' that Alec's hands made of it and looks at him. "I know. I'm just so great that everyone wants me." He laughs as Alex hits him and brushes a kiss to his nose. "And I understand if you don't want your parents to know for a while. We've been through this. Tell people when you're comfortable with doing so."

"Can I just stay here and kiss you?"

"No, like you said, we have to go." But he's wearing a smile and he does kiss Alec one more time before starting the car up once more.

The car stops again a minute later, this time outside his house, where Alec barely has time to give Magnus a wistful look and leave the car before the front door opens with a bang and Izzy flies out, practically tackling Alec back into the car with her hug.

"Oh my god Alec, I've barely heard from you which is unfair and you're a horrible brother and you didn't answer my calls for like, a month, and Magnus I can't believe you haven't visited me yet."

Alec rolls his eyes but hugs her back tightly because he  _has_  missed her. They begin to walk towards the house slowly, as Izzy is telling him everything that has been happening since he last saw her, only to be interrupted by Jace  _actually_  tackling Alec to the ground.

As Izzy berates him, Alec looks around for Magnus, finding him standing with a box in his hands on the other side of the front garden, talking to Max.

* * *

"What's this?"

Magnus sighs. "An apology of sorts."

"For what?"

"Breaking my promise."

"Breaking your- what happened?"

"Nothing- I deserve to be shot for it, deserve worse- but I'm sorry."

The teenager looks pissed off in a way that's reminiscent of Isabelle. "Tell me-"

"I can't. I just- I know it's the opposite of a punishment, but I swear to you, swear on my soul, the I will spend the rest of my life looking after Alec."

Max looks at him suspiciously for a second before breaking into a grin. "Okay. Just make sure you don't hurt him. Because if you do, we'll kill you."

"I won't." He presses the box into Max's hands. "Don't tell anyone."

* * *

Magnus hugs Izzy briefly before leaving with a blown kiss that Alec smiles at, knowing who it's for.

It's good to see his family again, but he can't help wishing that Magnus were there, that he could rest in his boyfriend's arms, take a little bit of strength and courage from his kiss.

"Hey Alec, can you pass me the potatoes?"

Izzy's words bring Alec out of his thoughts, and he does as she asks, moving them closer to where she sits opposite.

"What's that ring?"

He pulls his right hand back, but he's not quick enough and she grabs, pulling it closer to her eyes.

"It's just a ring, give my hand back!"

"Did Magnus give it to you?" Their mother's mild voice has them both freezing as she leans forward to take a closer look.

"Uh…" He hesitates for a second before taking the plunge. "Yeah, he did."

His hand slips from Izzy's fingers and he sees her gaping mouth for a moment before turning to Maryse.

"It's nice." She smiles briefly before turning back to her plate.

Alec can't help but smile as he returns his hand to the table beside him.

"Oh. My. God."

He winces at the high pitch of Izzy's voice.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me!"

"Didn't tell you what?"

"I saw that look! You can't trick me into believing that you-"

"I can't believe you didn't tell  _me!_ " Jace joins in the accusation, finally having figured out what's going on.

"Yeah, Alec. I can't believe you didn't tell  _them_."

Everyone at the table, including their father, with a creased brow, turns to Max.

"You told  _Max_?"

"Magnus  _told_  you?"

Max looks smug, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "I worked it out. I'm not  _stupid_ , unlike the rest of you."

Jace and Izzy begin to defend their intelligence to Max and Robert looks confusedly down the table. "I don't understand."

"Alec is dating Magnus."

Silence falls at his mother's words. His father frowns. "His friend? Who is a guy?" He doesn't seem to wait for an answer before continuing. "How long has this been going on?"

Alec feels extremely uncomfortable as each of his family's heads turn towards him, and finds himself fiddling with the ring on his right hand. "A couple of months."

"I thought it was longer." Maryse is looking enquiringly at him.

"Can we stop talking about this now?"

"Yeah, we should talk about how amazing Clary is and how she's the best girlfriend ever and you're all totally jealous of me-"

"Fuck off, Jace."

The conversation goes back to normal and Alec slips his phone out of his pocket and texts Magnus.

**They know :)**

**:) I'm happy for you. And me. I can proclaim you as mine now, right? Can I kiss you in front of everyone?**

**Not as much as you can in private**

There's a pause, and Alec wonders if he should have said that.

**Can we go home now?**

**No. See you later :)**

**I love you x**

**I love you too**

He puts the device away again and looks up to see Izzy smirk knowingly at him and makes his cheeks flush with red.

Stupid little sisters.

* * *

Their parents leave them too their own devices for the evening and Max leaves for a friend's house, so the three of them that are left spend it together, Magnus, Clary and Simon joining them, and they watch movies and catch up on what each of them have been doing, and it just feels so good, finally being able to sit in Magnus' arms, the comforting feel of their skin touching, of their hearts beating, of Magnus' breath against his hair.

He's no longer longing for the boy next to him, watching in jealousy anyone who can call Magnus theirs.

When it begins to get late they say their goodnights to the other four and make their way to Alec's room, and no matter what anyone thinks, Alec decides as they change into pyjamas, he is happy like this, happier than he has ever been, and it is Magnus.

He smuggles as close as is physically possible to Magnus in the bed, legs tangled, his back flush against Magnus' chest, holding his arms around him.

"I love you." Magnus' words are soft.

"Always?" Despite the number of times that they have said this in the past, Alec still finds his voice trembling slightly.

"In aeternum."

He breathes a sigh, feels his heart beat slow as Magnus' arms tighten around him.

"I love you too."

* * *

_You are the thing that I love._

_You are the thing that keeps me here._


End file.
